Do I Have to Wait for the “Formal Amends” Process Before My Addict Partner Shows Any Real Change?
- Apr 15
- 6 min read
This article (taken from PBSE Episode 276) explores whether a partner must wait for the formal 12-step amends process before seeing real change in their addict partner, ultimately concluding that meaningful change should begin long before formal amends. It distinguishes between transactional apologies and true amends, emphasizing that recovery is a gradual, proactive journey rooted in transparency, accountability, and emotional presence. The authors caution against using the amends process as an excuse to delay vulnerability or connection, highlighting how real recovery involves consistent course corrections, not rigid timelines. Partners are encouraged to establish external support systems, clarify their needs, and hold boundaries to protect their healing, recognizing that their well-being should not be tethered to the addict’s progress through the steps.
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Inside this Episode:
Understanding the Amends Process vs. Apologies
In recovery work—particularly when integrating 12-step methodologies—it’s crucial to differentiate between a simple apology and the formal process of making amends. An apology is often transactional: “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” It seeks closure through mutual participation. In contrast, formal amends require no reciprocation. They are acts of accountability and repair initiated by the person in recovery, and they are not contingent on whether the other party accepts or acknowledges them. This distinction is vital because many betrayed partners and porn/sex addicts misunderstand what “amends” actually look like in the context of long-term recovery work.
Amends are deeply personal. They are not about seeking forgiveness or clearing a slate but rather about facing one’s wrongdoing and offering meaningful restitution or change. The person making amends relinquishes any expectation of acceptance. It’s about integrity, not outcome.
That understanding becomes especially critical when a betrayed partner is told they must wait for “formal amends” to witness any real change in their porn addict partner. When addicts delay emotional availability, transparency, or even relational planning until Step 8 or 9 in the 12-step process, it can leave the partner feeling strung along, confused, or abandoned. And unfortunately, this misuse—or misunderstanding—of the amends process happens more often than many realize.
To navigate this confusion, we need to understand recovery as a layered, evolving journey that doesn’t wait for one grand moment of clarity or restitution. Real change must begin long before the formal amends process even starts.
What Is Recovery, Really?
Before we dive further into the relational implications, it’s important to step back and ask: what is recovery? The term is thrown around often, but its definition can vary greatly depending on context. For many addicts, recovery means developing a new way to live life. Addictive behaviors begin as maladaptive strategies to deal with discomfort—be it stress, fear, shame, or trauma. Recovery isn’t about achieving a particular milestone or completing a checklist. It's about building an entirely new operating system.
Recovery requires rewiring how we cope. It involves trading short-term relief for long-term wellness. As addicts, we once turned to compulsive behaviors to numb ourselves from emotional pain or avoid vulnerability. In recovery, we learn to face discomfort head-on, with transparency and courage. And that learning curve is not instantaneous. It resembles the turning of a large ocean liner—slow, deliberate, and requiring consistent course corrections over time.
This is especially true when facing the deep wounds inflicted on a partner. There is no magic switch that gets flipped during the amends steps. If anything, the amends process serves as a formal marker of change that should already be well underway. When addicts cite formal amends as the point when they’ll finally be accountable or emotionally available, they’re either misunderstanding recovery or avoiding it.
The Danger of Delaying Change
Stonewalling, emotional shutdowns, and the refusal to communicate under the guise of “waiting for formal amends” can often be signs of deeper avoidance. These are not the markers of someone actively engaged in recovery. On the contrary, they often reflect old addictive behaviors in disguise—namely control, secrecy, and a refusal to be emotionally seen.
Full transparency is not a step to be taken later—it is the foundational starting point of meaningful recovery. Without it, the relationship has no traction. There can be no rebuilding of trust, no meaningful connection, and no sense of safety for the partner.
Transparency is not about dumping information recklessly; it’s about consistent, honest engagement. And when an addict delays that engagement under the pretense of waiting for Step 9, it often reveals a strategy of emotional withdrawal. We sometimes call this “weaponizing recovery”—using recovery language and timelines to avoid the hard, uncomfortable work of growth.
Accountability and clarity about one’s intentions in the relationship must begin early. Waiting for a formal process to validate change is both unhealthy and unproductive. The healing journey—for both partners—requires that openness to begin now.
Why Addicts Might Avoid Transparency
It’s easy to assume malicious intent when a partner isn’t getting the answers or accountability they need. And while deception or manipulation are certainly real risks, not all avoidance is nefarious. Many addicts operate from a deeply ingrained belief system that equates accountability with solitary suffering. They may have been raised in environments where vulnerability was shamed, where emotion was weakness, or where asking for help was considered failure.
In such cases, addicts often believe that they must “fix it first” before involving anyone else. They might say things like, “I’ll tell her once I’ve conquered this” or “She doesn’t need the burden of my struggles.” While that may sound noble on the surface, it ultimately perpetuates the same secrecy and isolation that addiction thrives on. It's still about controlling how others perceive them, which is precisely what must be dismantled in recovery.
There’s also the danger of spiritualizing or moralizing the recovery journey in unhealthy ways—thinking, for example, that because the addict caused the harm, they must also be the sole solution to it. This mindset excludes the very support, vulnerability, and relational transparency that recovery actually requires.
It’s important to hold space for these misunderstandings while also challenging them. Recovery requires truth-telling—especially the uncomfortable kind. If an addict is sincere, they will be willing to explore why they are avoiding, and they will seek help to move beyond it.
The Partner’s Role and Needs
For betrayed partners, the trauma inflicted by addiction can be profound. And navigating the recovery landscape with limited information is like trying to cross a minefield blindfolded. That’s why establishing an external support system—therapists, support groups, educational resources—is absolutely essential in betrayal trauma healing. You can’t rely solely on the addict to guide your healing. You must become your own guide.
Once that support system is in place, the next step is gaining clarity on what you want and need in the relationship. Then, you can begin setting and holding boundaries accordingly. These boundaries are not meant to control your partner, but to protect your own healing and well-being. For example, it is completely reasonable to say, “I can’t stay in this relationship if you are unwilling to be transparent and accountable now.”
And if your partner says, “I’ll be more transparent once I get to the amends step,” you have every right to ask why. Ask who gave them that advice. Ask what they think they’re protecting you from. Ask what kind of relationship they believe can exist in secrecy. These aren’t hostile questions—they are the necessary tools of discernment.
At the end of the day, you cannot control their process. But you can choose what you will and will not tolerate in your own healing. Empowerment means stepping into that truth.
When Real Amends Begin
In truth, the amends process starts long before Steps 8 and 9. It begins the moment an addict chooses transparency over secrecy, courage over comfort, and ownership over deflection. Every act of honest communication, every willingness to be seen, and every attempt to repair trust is a piece of that greater process.
So, do you have to wait for formal amends before you see real change? Absolutely not.
Real change is visible long before formal amends. It looks like consistent honesty. It looks like emotional presence. It looks like proactive engagement in recovery—not just for the addict as an individual, but for the relationship. If those things aren’t happening, the relationship won’t move forward—regardless of what “step” someone claims to be on.
And if they are happening, then you’re already seeing the beginnings of real amends, whether you call it that or not.
Moving Forward With Clarity
If you’re the partner of someone struggling with addiction, and you're hearing statements like “I can’t know what I’ll do until I reach the amends step,” we urge you to slow down and evaluate. That could be a red flag. Or it might be a misunderstanding. Either way, it deserves careful attention.
Ask questions. Seek support. And set clear expectations. Your healing doesn’t depend on their timeline. Your well-being doesn’t hinge on Step 9.
The truth is, recovery—real recovery—is never about waiting. It’s about showing up, day after day, with honesty, humility, and courage. And that process must begin now.
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