Do you REALLY want Intimate CONNECTION or Not?

This article (from PBSE Podcast Episode 279) explores the deep tension between the desire for intimate connection and the habitual avoidance of it, especially within the context of addiction as an intimacy disorder. Drawing from a heartfelt partner’s submission and the personal experiences of Mark and Steve, it highlights how addicts often plead for change and closeness while simultaneously sabotaging those very goals due to fear, shame, and emotional disconnection from self. The article challenges readers—particularly those in recovery—to stop relying on words and start taking real, consistent action, emphasizing that authentic intimacy can only be achieved through vulnerability, risk, and follow-through, not through avoidance or fantasy.

LISTEN TO EPISODE—

Inside this Episode:

The Plea for Change—But No Real Movement

Disconnected from Self, Disconnected from Others

There Is No Door Number Three

What Do You REALLY Want?

It's Time to Lead Out and Lean In

The Call to Authenticity and Action

The Plea for Change—But No Real Movement

In our years of addiction, many of us, including Mark and Steve, found ourselves on our knees, pleading for change. We cried out to our higher power, to our partners, to anyone who would listen, swearing that we were desperate to live differently. These pleas were sincere, deeply felt, and emotionally charged. And yet, for so long, they were not followed by consistent, daily action. We said the right words, voiced the right intentions, but the bridge from desire to discipline simply wasn’t built. So many addicts live in that paradox, desperate for connection and change, but never making the actual steps necessary to get there. It isn’t just about lack of effort; it's about a deeper disorder that goes beyond willpower.

A powerful submission from a partner captured this internal struggle. Married for 15 years, she explained how her husband repeatedly voiced his desire for a marriage free from pornography and filled with open, honest communication. And yet, their history is riddled with broken promises, discoveries of deceit, and a pattern of emotional avoidance. Each time she made a bid for connection—a date night, a spiritual activity, or simply a heartfelt conversation—he found a reason not to engage. The irony? He consistently claimed to crave the very intimacy he avoided.

This contradiction, this bizarre push and pull of wanting and resisting, is a hallmark of addiction as an intimacy disorder. It creates confusion, heartbreak, and an excruciating lack of trust. The addict reaches with one hand, yearning for closeness, while using the other to push away out of fear and shame. It's not simply malicious or apathetic behavior—it's a dysfunction rooted in a profound disconnection from the self.

So, we have to ask ourselves, and we encourage others to do the same: What do we actually want? Are our behaviors lining up with our spoken desires? Until we can bridge the gap between intention and action, we will stay trapped in the cycle of avoidance masquerading as pursuit.

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Disconnected from Self, Disconnected from Others

One of the most significant obstacles to real connection is a fundamental disconnection from self. Many addicts are emotionally surviving—not thriving. They’ve been in this mode for so long that they don’t even remember what it feels like to live with authenticity and alignment. This survival mode breeds habits of secrecy, shame, and emotional withdrawal, making intimacy nearly impossible.

Addiction often starts as a coping mechanism for unresolved trauma or unmet emotional needs. Over time, it becomes an ingrained survival tool. Even when recovery begins, many addicts are left without the emotional tools or modeling to engage in true intimacy. They've learned that connection is unsafe, that vulnerability leads to pain, and that they can't trust even themselves.

This leaves them in a paradox: craving connection on a biological and emotional level while being terrified of what that connection might require of them. To be seen, to be known, to be vulnerable—these are terrifying concepts for someone who has spent years hiding in shame. They are pulled by the desire for intimacy but paralyzed by the fear of rejection.

The result? A constant cycle of avoidance dressed up as busyness or good intentions. He didn't schedule the date night because he was too busy with a group member. He didn't create space for conversation because something came up. But the truth underneath all of it is fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of failure. Fear of letting his partner down once again.

Until we can acknowledge that fear, own it, and work through it, we will continue to self-sabotage the very connections we claim to desire.

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There Is No Door Number Three

One of the most dangerous myths in recovery and relationship work is the idea that we can somehow access the rewards of connection without the cost. We want the emotional dessert of intimacy without the raw ingredients of vulnerability, discomfort, effort, and risk. But intimacy doesn’t work that way. There is no shortcut.

Authentic intimacy is governed by emotional laws as sure and unchanging as the laws of physics. If you want to experience deep connection, you must be willing to be seen. You must be transparent, consistent, and emotionally present. There is no door number three—no secret path that gets you all the benefits with none of the labor.

This is why pornography, fantasy, and other acting-out behaviors are so alluring to addicts. They mimic intimacy without requiring it. You get to feel close without having to be close. You get to feel accepted without actually risking rejection. It feels like connection, but it’s counterfeit. It numbs rather than heals.

This is the core of what the partner in our episode was expressing. Her husband claims he wants connection, but he seeks it in fantasy. He fears rejection from her, yet she’s the one who has lived through betrayal, loneliness, and pain. His fears are theoretical; hers have been realized. Yet she continues to extend invitations for connection, only to be left alone again.

So, the question becomes: What are you willing to risk for real intimacy? Because without that risk, you’ll never experience the reward.

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What Do You REALLY Want?

Desire alone is not enough. Many addicts say they want connection, intimacy, healing. But when we look at their actions, the desire isn’t backed by consistency. This leads us to the hard question: What do you really want? If your behavior doesn’t reflect your declarations, it’s time for a reality check.

Mark shared a pivotal moment in his own recovery when his counselors asked him this exact question. He had said all the right things, expressed all the right hopes, but his life didn’t show the commitment to actually live them. Real desire must be paired with real action, even if it starts small. Big declarations without follow-through mean nothing. In fact, they can be more damaging than silence.

This is where authenticity becomes vital. If you're not ready to take the big step your partner is asking for, say so. But also say what you are ready for. What can you commit to this week? What barrier will you begin to tackle, and how will you tackle it? Even a small, consistent act of authenticity builds trust far more than another broken promise.

As Steve shared, many spouses aren’t demanding perfection. What they crave is movement—evidence that their partner is doing something different. The most disheartening part for partners isn't the slowness of progress; it's the stagnancy, the lack of any sign that things are changing.

So don’t ask, "What should I say?" Ask, "What will I do?" Because that is where healing and connection are born.

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It's Time to Lead Out and Lean In

The path forward requires two things: leading out and leaning in. To lead out means to take initiative. Stop waiting for your partner to ask for connection. Plan it. Initiate it. Follow through. Leaning in means being emotionally present, even when it's hard, even when you're scared.

Start small. If a date night feels too overwhelming, plan a simple dinner at home. If a deep conversation feels out of reach, write a letter or send a heartfelt text. The point is to begin the journey toward connection with whatever capacity you currently have. And if you can't even do that, then it's time to be honest about why and work on that obstacle.

Every broken promise withdraws from the trust account of your relationship. Eventually, there will be nothing left to withdraw. But every consistent, genuine act—no matter how small—makes a deposit. Over time, those deposits restore belief, safety, and hope.

And for the betrayed partner who continues to offer connection: your hope is powerful. You have every right to draw boundaries, to insist on mutual effort, to demand progress. Staying in this relationship should not mean endless waiting. Your needs matter. Your voice matters.

For the addict: the question isn’t, "Do you want connection?" The question is, "What are you doing to create it?"

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The Call to Authenticity and Action

At the end of the day, words are easy. What matters is what we do. It’s okay to admit you’re scared. It’s okay to acknowledge that you're not ready. But then you must also decide to grow, to stretch, and to move forward. Connection is built on consistent, vulnerable, authentic action. Nothing less will suffice.

If you find yourself caught in this struggle, you're not alone. We know this pain intimately. We've lived it. But we also know the way out. It starts with truth. It grows with courage. And it blossoms in action.

So, do you really want intimate connection or not?

The answer isn't in your words. It's in your next step.

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If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.