My Addict Partner Keeps Going Through Cycles of Taking Me For Granted—What Do I Do?
- Jun 30
- 8 min read
This article explores the painful cycle experienced by a betrayed partner whose addict spouse, despite appearing committed to recovery, continues to emotionally regress every few months—leading her to feel unseen, unsafe, and constantly destabilized. While she seeks truth and transparency to make sense of her reality, her relentless pursuit of emotional details often retraumatizes her and reinforces a one-sided dynamic where she bears the emotional burden. The article emphasizes that true recovery requires more than just sobriety; it demands proactive emotional transparency, consistency, and mutual effort. It advocates for the partner to set healthy boundaries, diversify her support system, and redefine her needs—not out of fear or desperation, but from a place of empowerment and self-respect—to restore balance and rebuild a foundation of trust, safety, and emotional connection in the relationship.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
The Cycle That Keeps Repeating
We hear from so many betrayed partners who find themselves trapped in recurring cycles of pain, confusion, and emotional upheaval. In this episode, we explore the story of one such partner. Her situation is all too familiar: after three years since Discovery Day, despite her addict partner doing "the right things" in recovery—attending therapy, joining support groups, staying sober—she's still experiencing a troubling emotional pattern. Roughly every six months, he goes through what we call an "emotional relapse."
These episodes aren’t necessarily about viewing pornography or acting out sexually. Instead, they manifest as emotional instability, where he suddenly begins questioning the relationship, doubting their compatibility, and regressing into old, destructive ways of thinking. For her, this brings back the trauma and betrayal, making her feel unsafe and triggering her to dig for details in search of reassurance. It's a vicious loop: he emotionally checks out, she gets triggered, and they both end up in a state of turmoil.
The emotional fallout from this recurring cycle can be just as devastating—if not more—than a physical relapse. Many partners report that these emotional collapses feel like complete regressions. The addict seems to forget all progress, and the betrayed partner is left reeling, wondering if any of the healing was real. Over time, this undermines her sense of trust, stability, and self-worth.
In our experience, this type of cycle breeds deep insecurity. The partner doesn’t just fear relapse; she fears emotional abandonment, disconnection, and devaluation. One specific moment from her story illustrates this vividly: she once asked him what he thought of her during his addiction, and he replied that he had been "disappointed in her body." Three years later, those words still haunt her daily. This is the enduring impact of emotional regression when there isn’t consistent healing on both sides.
When one partner continues to emotionally regress, even while engaging in surface-level recovery practices, the relationship becomes a landmine of unresolved issues. The betrayed partner lives in fear, bracing for the next explosion. And sadly, over time, this chronic instability can erode even the deepest love and commitment.
Truth-Seeking or Trauma Loop?
One of the central questions this partner asked was: "Am I not allowed to ask? Is truth not important?" She’s understandably confused. She wants honesty and transparency, but every time she pushes for more emotional details, she feels retraumatized. Her therapist has warned her that she's scratching an emotional scab over and over again, making it impossible to heal.
We get this question a lot. Truth is foundational to intimacy and recovery. But it must be handled with care. While honesty is essential, the process by which we arrive at it can either help or hinder healing. When truth-seeking becomes compulsive or is motivated by desperation, it can actually retraumatize rather than soothe.
This is where the line gets blurry. We firmly believe in "honesty at all costs," but not at the cost of a partner’s emotional safety and well-being. If the addict partner is not proactively offering emotional transparency, it leaves the betrayed partner with no choice but to dig and prod. This not only perpetuates the trauma but also reinforces the pattern of one-sided pursuit in the relationship.
We have to look at what’s really motivating the questions. Often, it’s not just curiosity or the need for facts—it’s fear. Fear of being unwanted, unseen, or abandoned. And when fear drives our pursuit of truth, it becomes a trauma loop rather than a healing tool. The betrayed partner keeps hoping that with just one more answer, she’ll finally feel safe. But that feeling of safety never arrives because the root issue isn’t being addressed.
So, is it okay to ask for truth? Absolutely. But if those questions are coming from a place of panic, desperation, or repeated trauma, then we need to rethink the approach. Instead of focusing on more information, it may be more helpful to focus on emotional stability, clear boundaries, and mutual transparency.
When Recovery Isn’t Deep Enough
We often see partners like this one stuck in limbo because the addict appears to be doing recovery, but something still feels off. He’s in therapy, attending groups, and maintaining sobriety—so why is the relationship still full of turmoil?
The answer is usually this: he’s not going deep enough. True recovery is not about checking boxes or merely staying sober. It requires confronting deep emotional wounds, dismantling thinking errors, and cultivating new patterns of intimacy and transparency. When recovery remains surface-level or reactive, it leads to the very kind of emotional cycles this couple is experiencing.
In her story, we see a man who likely recommits to recovery after each emotional fallout, but then drifts again when things stabilize. This roller coaster doesn’t indicate sustained change. It's reactive recovery: motivated by damage control, not by a deep desire to grow and transform. And it forces his partner to brace herself constantly, never knowing when the next emotional storm will hit.
For her, the inconsistency is destabilizing. She never knows which version of her partner she’s going to get. This unpredictability undermines any progress they might have made. In such cases, it's crucial for the addict to go beyond just showing up to recovery and start integrating it into their daily life with intentionality.
That means leading out in emotional check-ins, being proactive in sharing progress, and taking accountability for emotional regression. If he truly wants the relationship to heal, he has to take the lead in creating a sense of safety and consistency. Otherwise, no matter how many meetings he attends, the foundation will remain shaky.
The Burden of Pursuit
In so many struggling relationships, especially those involving betrayal trauma, we see a lopsided dynamic: the betrayed partner becomes the primary pursuer. She asks the questions, drives the conversations, checks on progress, and carries the emotional weight. Over time, this imbalance becomes unsustainable.
In the story shared, the wife is doing most of the emotional heavy lifting. She pushes for connection, transparency, and reassurance while he remains emotionally distant. This sets up a painful and exhausting loop where she constantly tries to bridge the gap while getting very little in return.
It’s not just that she’s asking questions—it’s that she’s doing so in a vacuum. There’s no proactive effort on his part to keep her informed, to share how recovery is going, or to build emotional intimacy. That absence creates a profound sense of loneliness. She doesn’t just feel ignored; she feels invisible.
And here’s the hard truth: no relationship can survive long-term with that dynamic. If one person is doing all the work, emotionally and relationally, it will eventually lead to resentment, detachment, or collapse. Partners need reciprocity. They need to know their efforts are met with equal investment.
To change this, he must begin leading out with vulnerability. He needs to offer emotional transparency freely, not just when prompted. He must affirm her value, express consistent gratitude, and engage in regular check-ins. Only then will the relationship begin to feel balanced and safe.
Establishing Emotional Safety Through Boundaries
When transparency isn’t offered, boundaries become essential. We want to emphasize that boundaries are not about controlling the other person. They’re about protecting one’s emotional space, establishing expectations, and defining what kind of relationship you are willing to participate in.
For the betrayed partner, this means clearly articulating her emotional needs and limits. If she requires regular updates on his recovery to feel secure, that’s a fair and valid ask. If she needs him to lead emotional check-ins, express appreciation, or take accountability for emotional regressions, those are boundaries worth setting.
But boundaries also come with consequences. If he is unable or unwilling to meet those needs, she must be prepared to make decisions to protect her emotional well-being. That might mean pulling back emotionally, seeking additional support, or even pausing the relationship while he does deeper work.
This isn’t about punishment. It’s about sustainability. She cannot keep pouring energy into a relationship that provides no stability in return. At some point, self-preservation must become the priority.
Boundaries also serve another purpose: they shift the dynamic from desperation to empowerment. Rather than continually asking, "Do you still want me?" she can say, "Here’s what I need to feel safe and connected. Can you meet me there?" That small shift in posture can make a massive difference.
Cultivating Support Outside the Relationship
When emotional safety is absent within the relationship, it becomes vital to seek it elsewhere—not through infidelity or secrecy, but through emotionally appropriate and supportive connections. This can include close friends, family, support groups, or professionals.
In the case discussed, the partner may benefit greatly from widening her circle of support. If she can find other relationships that provide validation, comfort, and connection, she won’t feel as dependent on her partner for all her emotional needs. That doesn’t mean she’s giving up on the relationship—it means she’s giving herself a better chance to thrive.
Emotional starvation in a relationship can lead to desperate, unhealthy behaviors. But when support is spread out across a broader network, the pressure on the relationship decreases. This can actually provide room for healthier dynamics to emerge.
We strongly encourage doing this transparently. Letting the partner know: "I need to feel stable and connected, and I’m going to start investing more in the relationships that provide that." That’s not a threat. It’s a declaration of self-respect and self-care.
Building this emotional safety net doesn’t just benefit the partner; it also challenges the addict to step up. When he sees that she is drawing clear lines and taking care of herself, he has the opportunity to meet her there in a healthier, more mature way.
Final Thoughts: Building a New Foundation
The pattern of being taken for granted doesn’t fix itself. Recovery isn’t about surviving emotional chaos—it’s about building emotional consistency and connection. That takes two people fully invested in the work.
For the addict, that means deeper recovery. Not just staying sober, but working on the emotional and relational aspects that contribute to the cycles. It means taking initiative, being transparent, showing gratitude, and leading out in emotional connection.
For the betrayed partner, that means establishing strong boundaries, seeking support, and refusing to carry the weight of the relationship alone. It means asking hard questions, not from fear, but from a place of clarity and strength.
The goal isn’t just to survive the next emotional relapse. It’s to build a foundation that makes relapse—emotional or otherwise—less and less likely. A relationship where both people feel seen, safe, and valued. Where transparency is the norm, not the exception. And where emotional connection grows deeper over time, rather than unraveling every six months.
That kind of relationship is possible. But it takes work. And it takes both partners showing up fully, not just in moments of crisis, but every single day.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
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