As a Betrayed Partner, How Do I Stop Waiting Around for the Rug to be Pulled Out from Under Me–Again?!
- 19 hours ago
- 7 min read
This article, based on Episode 281 of the PBSE Podcast, addresses the deep struggle of betrayed partners who live in constant fear of being hurt again, particularly after experiencing staggered disclosures and recurring betrayal. Drawing from a listener’s personal story, it explores how partners can stop waiting for the rug to be pulled out by stepping into their own power, setting meaningful boundaries rooted in their authentic needs, and reclaiming their voice without falling into self-betrayal. It emphasizes the importance of clear communication, letting go of the need for consent, and pursuing real connection over control. Above all, the message is that partners must prioritize their own healing and sovereignty, regardless of the addict partner’s actions.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
A Familiar Pain with a New Angle
In this article, taken from episode 281 of the PBSE Podcast, we explore an all-too-familiar question among betrayed partners: “How do I stop waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me again?” This deeply vulnerable and honest question came from a partner navigating her second marriage after betrayal. Her first marriage ended due to a pornography addiction that was concealed and denied. Tragically, despite setting clear expectations and expressing her trauma history at the start of her second marriage, she discovered that her new husband had also been concealing a pornography addiction. The unfolding of this truth happened through a painful, prolonged process of staggered disclosures—moments when the truth comes out in bits and pieces, compounding the trauma rather than easing it.
This partner's story is layered not just with recent betrayal, but with deep relational wounds from earlier chapters of her life. While she and her husband have taken some positive steps, such as engaging in therapy and implementing accountability tools, critical gaps remain. Notably, they are not working with Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) or partner trauma specialists, which may limit the depth of recovery they can achieve. Her letter also highlighted several core struggles: how to communicate pain in a way that invites growth without feeling like she’s stuck in the past, how to keep showing up in the marriage without betraying herself, and—most painfully—how to stop bracing for the next betrayal.
Trauma's Unwelcome Repetition
When betrayed partners write in with stories like this, we feel an intense mix of compassion, outrage, and urgency. We’ve walked this path ourselves—both as former addicts and as individuals who’ve inflicted deep pain—and we’ve also worked with betrayed partners for over two decades. This listener’s story exemplifies the heartbreak of feeling stuck in a never-ending loop of betrayal trauma. Despite walking away from one betrayal, she finds herself again questioning whether she can ever feel safe in her marriage. The devastating recurrence of betrayal, especially when it involves staggered disclosure, creates a psychological environment where fear, distrust, and uncertainty become the default settings.
This isn’t about weakness. It’s about survival. Waiting for the rug to be pulled out—again—is not a failure of the betrayed partner. It’s a natural and predictable response to repeated injury. But just because it’s understandable doesn’t mean it’s sustainable. At some point, if healing is going to happen, the betrayed partner has to claim their own power—not because they caused the trauma, but because only they can reclaim their safety and self.
Stepping Into Sovereignty
One of the hardest truths we have to offer in betrayal trauma recovery is this: no one else is going to rescue you from this place. As cruel as that sounds—especially when you didn’t cause the injury—it’s also empowering. Recovery is not just about surviving; it’s about reclaiming sovereignty. And that starts by refusing to let your reality be dictated by another person’s choices. You didn’t crash the car. But now you’re in the hospital, and if you’re going to walk again, you have to say yes to physical therapy—even if it’s not fair.
The betrayed partner who wrote in is in exactly this place. She didn’t ask to be here. But now that she is, she has the power to stop waiting passively for change and start actively creating the environment she needs for safety and healing. That doesn’t mean doing all the work for her husband. It means setting clear expectations, boundaries, and consequences—not from a place of control or punishment, but from a deep commitment to self-care and authenticity.
Boundaries as a Form of Empowerment
In our Dare to Connect program, we’ve spent months breaking down the concept of boundaries, and the deeper we go, the more we see how misunderstood they often are. Many partners set boundaries that resemble ultimatums or rules for their addict partner. “You need to go to therapy three times a week.” “You have to use filtering software.” While those can be helpful guidelines, they don’t address the underlying emotional needs. Real boundaries start with self-awareness: “I need to feel emotionally safe.” “I need a partner who is actively engaged in his own recovery.” “I need to be with someone who is honest and transparent.”
When you frame boundaries in terms of your needs, instead of your partner’s actions, something powerful shifts. The responsibility for meeting those needs still rests on your partner, but the clarity and direction come from you. You are no longer a passive observer of their recovery. You’re an active participant in defining what kind of relationship you will—or won’t—be part of.
Clarifying the Voice Within
Another essential part of this journey is learning how to communicate pain in a healthy, non-weaponized way. This listener asked, “How do I express my pain in a way that allows space for both of us to grow, without making him feel bad or like I’m stuck in the past?” It's a deeply important question. Too often, betrayed partners are labeled as bitter, unforgiving, or “stuck” when they try to express legitimate pain. But pain, when expressed clearly and safely, is an invitation to intimacy—not a threat.
The key is learning how to differentiate between reactivity and authenticity. Reactive communication is usually defensive, angry, or blaming. Authentic communication is rooted in vulnerability, clarity, and a commitment to connection—even if it’s not always pleasant. To reach that level of communication, betrayed partners need support: not just from their spouse, but from a trusted circle of friends, mentors, and therapists who understand the trauma they’re working through.
Getting Clear on Wants, Needs, and Outcomes
One of the most impactful exercises we’ve developed in Dare to Connect involves helping partners clarify their wants, needs, and desired outcomes. This is the foundation of setting effective boundaries. Before you can tell someone else what you need, you have to know it yourself. That clarity doesn’t happen overnight. It requires deep personal work—often through journaling, support groups, or therapy—to identify what you truly want and what conditions are non-negotiable for your well-being.
Once that clarity is in place, you can begin to communicate boundaries with confidence. You can say, “I need to feel emotionally safe in this relationship. That means I need consistent honesty, empathy, and accountability from you. If I don’t see those things, I won’t be able to continue in the relationship long-term.” This isn’t a threat. It’s a truth. And if your partner is committed to the relationship, he will respect and respond to it.
Releasing the Need for Consent
A major obstacle in recovery communication is the temptation to seek your partner’s agreement or approval. But your boundaries don’t need to be voted on. They don’t need to be debated, defended, or explained away. Yes, it’s helpful to share the “why” behind your needs when it’s safe to do so. But you don’t have to enter into a debate over whether your needs are valid. They are. Your experience is real. Your pain matters. Your voice deserves to be heard.
In Dare to Connect, we often help partners learn how to stop defending their boundaries and instead start embodying them. That’s when you move from being reactionary to being rooted. From being frightened to being empowered. From waiting around for the rug to be pulled out again, to walking steadily forward—even if your partner isn’t.
Pursuing Connection Over Control
Ultimately, what most betrayed partners want is connection—not control. They don’t want to be the police of their spouse’s recovery. They want a real relationship: one built on honesty, emotional safety, and mutual respect. But connection doesn’t always feel warm and fuzzy. Sometimes, the deepest connections happen in hard conversations, in raw moments of truth, or even in walking away from what’s no longer sustainable.
True connection requires two people showing up with authenticity and accountability. It can’t be forced. But it can be invited. And that invitation often starts with a simple but profound shift: “I’m not waiting for you to change. I’m changing how I show up. I’m reclaiming my power, my voice, and my right to safety.”
You First, Then the Relationship
The final takeaway from this episode is a message we offer to every partner: Your first priority is you—not the relationship. Your self-care, your healing, your integrity, your future—those come first. If the relationship can grow from that foundation, great. But if not, you will still be whole. You will still be strong. You will still be free.
This listener is doing so many things right. She’s seeking help, asking deep questions, and doing her own work. Her story, like so many others, underscores why we created Dare to Connect in the first place—to offer specialized, ongoing support that bridges the gap between therapy and real life. If you’re struggling to find your voice, set boundaries, or stop waiting for the next betrayal, there’s a place for you. You don’t have to do this alone. You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. And you are absolutely worth fighting for.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
