As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict—What Is Keeping Me In My Marriage?
- 7 hours ago
- 7 min read
In this article (from PBSE Episode 298), we tackle a raw and courageous question from a recovering porn and sex addict: What is truly keeping me in my marriage? Together we explore the fear-based motivations that often drive early recovery—panic, obligation, fear of loss—and show how the real work is moving from “should” to authentic choice. Mark and Steve unpack how to avoid future-tripping, why vulnerability is key to intimacy, and how honest dialogue helps partners connect even in uncertainty. They remind us that recovery is not about guaranteeing the future, but about living authentically in the present, doing the next right thing, and allowing ourselves to be rewired back to our natural state of connection, love, and intimacy.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction: A Raw and Honest Question
In this episode of the PBSE Podcast, we took on one of the most vulnerable and courageous submissions we’ve ever received—one that came not from a betrayed partner, but from a recovering addict. The listener who wrote in is three and a half months into the space between Discovery Day and a full therapeutic disclosure. He asked a question that many in recovery wrestle with but rarely dare to say out loud: What is truly keeping me in my marriage?
He shared how he’s been diagnosed with intimacy disorder, has dismissive-avoidant attachment tendencies, and has a history of attachment trauma. He wonders if reconciliation with his spouse is what he really wants—or if he is simply staying out of obligation, fear, or social pressure. He worries about whether he will ever be capable of giving or receiving “true love.” He questions whether he is staying because of the kids, because of fear of being alone, because of his reputation, or simply to avoid being seen as a failure.
This question resonates deeply with many in recovery. It gets to the heart of the struggle between fear-based recovery and authentic, choice-based recovery. It invites us to examine what motivates us to stay and what it means to truly choose our partners.
The Fear-Based Beginnings of Recovery
For most addicts, the early stages of recovery are dominated by fear. Fear of losing the marriage, fear of losing the kids, fear of being exposed publicly, fear of disappointing everyone, fear of discovering that all of this hard work will still end in failure. Fear-based “shoulds” run the show: I should do this. I should cooperate. I should prove that I am trying.
Mark shared that he remembers lying awake in terror that his wife would walk away after Discovery Day. He recalls worrying about his reputation, about what others would think, about raising children alone. He feared that even if he stayed sober for months or years, he might one day relapse and prove himself to be “a loser addict” all over again.
This stage of recovery is often accompanied by panic. It is survival mode at its finest. The addict brain, conditioned for years to avoid pain, run from discomfort, and self-medicate with acting out behaviors, is now confronted with the reality that there is no escape hatch. Everything feels precarious, fragile, and uncertain.
The Terrifying Question: “What If I Don’t Really Love Her?”
As the dust begins to settle and sobriety starts to take root, a new wave of fears can surface. Many addicts, like this listener, find themselves asking: What if I get healthy and realize I don’t even love my spouse?
This is a profoundly uncomfortable question to sit with, but it’s also an important one. Recovery forces us to confront whether we are living out of obligation or from a place of genuine desire. If we are staying only because we “should,” because we fear the consequences of leaving, or because it feels easier than facing the unknown, we may never experience true intimacy and connection.
Steve pointed out that asking these questions can actually be a sign of growth. When a man begins to think beyond his own immediate needs—beyond just surviving the next hour or avoiding the next crisis—he is beginning to step out of the isolated addict mindset. He is beginning to think in terms of we instead of me.
The Partner’s Hidden Question: “Do You Really Want Me?”
The listener’s spouse has asked him a version of this question: Do you actually want to be here? This is not simply a request for reassurance. Underneath, it is a bid for connection and safety. When a betrayed partner asks, “Do you really want me?” she is asking for clarity, transparency, and vulnerability. She wants to know if she is desired, if she matters, if she is more than just an obligation.
This is not about pressuring the addict to predict the future or give a guaranteed commitment for life. It is an invitation to show up honestly in the present. It is a chance to say, “Here is where I am today, here is what I feel right now, and here is what I want to pursue.”
Avoiding Future-Tripping and Panic-Based Decisions
One of the dangers of this stage of recovery is “future tripping.” This is when we try to predict where we’ll be five, ten, or twenty years down the road. It can spiral into catastrophizing: What if I wake up one day and realize I made the wrong choice? What if this was all for nothing?
The truth is, no one can guarantee what the future holds—not in recovery, not in marriage, not in life. Mark and Steve encourage their listeners to avoid making life-altering decisions during the first year of recovery, whenever possible. Outside of situations involving abuse or safety concerns, it is wise to give yourself time to get grounded before deciding whether to stay or go.
Staying present—asking, “What is the next right step?”—keeps us out of panic mode and helps us make choices from a place of clarity rather than fear.
Moving From “Should” to Authentic Choice
A critical part of recovery is learning to move out of the world of “shoulds” and into a place of authenticity. “Shoulds” may keep us compliant for a while, but they are not a sustainable foundation for intimacy. True connection happens when we can say, “I choose to be here, I want to pursue you, I want to build this life with you,” not because we are scared to leave, but because we genuinely desire to stay.
This transition can feel unsettling. For someone who has lived life behind masks, who has performed to keep others happy, moving into authentic selfhood is both freeing and terrifying. But this is where true love resides—where we no longer stay because we “should,” but because we choose.
The Role of Vulnerability and Honesty
One of the most powerful tools in this process is vulnerability. That might mean sitting down with your spouse and saying, “I’m terrified we won’t make it to Christmas.” It might mean admitting, “I don’t have all the answers yet, but I want to keep figuring this out with you.”
These honest conversations are not easy, but they create a place for connection. Paradoxically, admitting doubt can sometimes draw partners closer, because it allows them to face the uncertainty together rather than in isolation.
Relationships Are Always a Risk
One of the most sobering truths about relationships is that there are never guarantees. Even in marriages untouched by addiction, partners sometimes walk away. Life circumstances change. Loss and grief come unexpectedly.
Rather than trying to control or predict the future, recovery invites us to focus on living authentically in the present. We may not be able to promise our partners exactly what the future will hold, but we can commit to pursuing the relationship today, doing the next right thing, and staying engaged in the process of discovery.
Returning to Our True Selves
Mark and Steve remind us that human beings are wired for connection. Disconnection, avoidance, and isolation are learned responses—survival strategies that develop over time. Recovery is about “rewiring,” returning to the natural state of openness, vulnerability, compassion, and intimacy that we were made for.
The more we stay on the path of healing, the more we move toward this authentic place. And when both partners commit to their own healing journeys, they create the conditions for a relationship that is built not on fear, but on choice, desire, and mutual commitment.
Conclusion: One Step at a Time
This listener’s question is one that every addict—and every partner—must face at some point in recovery: Why am I here? The answer cannot be rooted only in fear, obligation, or panic. It must come from a growing place of authenticity.
As Mark and Steve reminded listeners, you don’t have to have all the answers today. You don’t have to know what the next twenty years will hold. What matters is that you keep showing up, keep asking hard questions, keep sharing honestly, and keep doing the next right thing.
Recovery is not about guaranteeing the future. It’s about courageously living in the present, rediscovering your true self, and learning to love and be loved in ways you may never have experienced before.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
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