How to Attain REAL and LASTING Change in 2026!
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
In this article, based on PBSE Episode 314, we explore why New Year’s resolutions so often fail—especially for addicts and betrayed partners—and what actually leads to real, lasting change. Drawing from our own recovery experiences, we explain how emotionally charged promises, shame-based accountability, and symptom-focused goals tend to reinforce relapse rather than prevent it. We outline a different path forward: change rooted in realistic commitments, reparative accountability instead of punishment, addressing core emotional drivers, planning for inevitable obstacles, reshaping identity, and intentionally altering environments. Real change doesn’t come from dramatic declarations—it comes from grounded, daily practices that align with who we are becoming. If 2026 is going to be different, it’s because we’re finally doing change differently.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction: Why “This Year Will Be Different” Usually Isn’t
We record this episode at the very beginning of 2026, a time when emotions are high, hope is fresh, and many people are staring down the calendar with a mixture of optimism and dread. The holidays have come and gone, routines have been disrupted, and once again people are asking themselves whether this next year will finally be different. For addicts and betrayed partners alike, the new year often carries both promise and pain—promise that things can change, and pain from remembering all the years they didn’t.
We know this cycle intimately. We remember looking back at yet another year marked by relapse, broken trust, unhealed trauma, and unfinished goals. We remember making grand declarations—sometimes spiritual, sometimes emotional, sometimes fueled by sheer desperation—that this was the year everything would finally turn around. And we also remember how often those declarations collapsed under the weight of real life.
The tragedy is not that people want to change. The tragedy is how they try to change. Too often, the new year becomes a ritual of unrealistic goal-setting followed by predictable failure, deep shame, and then renewed addiction or emotional shutdown. In many cases, the process itself actually reinforces the very patterns people are trying to escape.
So today, instead of offering another set of New Year’s resolutions, we want to talk about something far more important: how real and lasting change actually happens. Not flashy change. Not emotional change. Not “pink-cloud” change. But grounded, sustainable, identity-level change that holds up when life gets hard.
The Failure of New Year’s Resolutions and the Shame Cycle They Create
Most New Year’s resolutions fail for reasons that have nothing to do with willpower. They fail because they are created in reactionary emotional states, without skills, structure, or realistic expectations. We know this because we lived it. Over and over again.
The holidays tend to disrupt everything that normally keeps people grounded—routines, self-care, recovery practices, and healthy communication. In that disruption, stress rises, coping decreases, and addictive behaviors often increase. Then January arrives, and with it comes a surge of determination fueled by guilt, fear, and desperation.
That determination often looks impressive at first. It’s bold. It’s intense. It’s absolute. Never again. This time I mean it. I will fix everything. But what happens next is almost always the same. Life intrudes. Energy fades. Old stressors return. And the plan—never designed to survive reality—falls apart.
When that happens, the internal fallout is brutal. Shame intensifies. Hopelessness deepens. The story becomes, “I can’t even keep my own promises.” And for addicts especially, that shame becomes fuel for the very behaviors they were trying to stop. The resolution process becomes a setup—not for success, but for another round of self-loathing and relapse.
In hindsight, many of us would have been better off not making resolutions at all than continuing to reenact that cycle year after year.
Blood Oaths: Why Grand Promises Don’t Create Change
One of the most common traps we see—especially among addicts—is what we call blood oaths. These are dramatic, emotionally charged promises made in reaction to pain, guilt, or spiritual intensity. They feel powerful in the moment, but they are almost always disconnected from reality.
Blood oaths tend to emerge after emotional highs: a spiritual experience, a meaningful holiday moment, a confrontation, or a moment of deep regret. In those moments, people swing hard in the opposite direction, setting extreme goals that are neither attainable nor sustainable.
We’ve both made them. Promises like “I will never act out again,” or “I’m cutting everything out of my life forever,” or “If I fail, I’ll punish myself.” These vows are fueled by adrenaline and emotion, not by wisdom or structure.
The problem is that emotional intensity fades. Dopamine crashes. Life resumes. And when those iron-clad promises inevitably break, the fallout is catastrophic. Not only does the behavior return, but self-trust erodes even further.
Real change does not come from reaction. It comes from response—from thoughtful, grounded decisions built on self-knowledge, skill-building, and humility.
Reparative Accountability vs. Punitive Self-Punishment
One of the most damaging patterns we see is the use of punishment as a motivator for change. Many addicts truly believe that if they are hard enough on themselves, they will finally stop. In reality, punishment only deepens shame—and shame is one of the most powerful relapse drivers there is.
We’ve seen people create consequences that are extreme, humiliating, or physically harmful, believing that pain will produce discipline. What it actually produces is more emotional dysregulation, more self-hatred, and more escape into addiction.
Healthy accountability is not punitive—it’s reparative. Instead of asking, “How do I punish myself for failing?” the better question is, “What can I learn from this, and how do I repair the system that broke down?”
Reparative accountability asks practical questions:
What emotions was I feeling?
What needs went unmet?
What stressors overwhelmed my coping capacity?
What tools did I fail to use—and why?
From there, the focus shifts to strengthening supports, adjusting expectations, and recommitting to daily practices—not tearing oneself down. Change that grows out of repair builds resilience. Change that grows out of punishment builds fear.
Symptom-Focused Goals vs. Core-Cause Change
Another major reason change doesn’t last is that people focus almost exclusively on symptoms instead of root causes. They try to stop behaviors without addressing the emotional, relational, and developmental factors that drive those behaviors in the first place.
Addiction is rarely about the behavior alone. It’s about unmet needs, emotional avoidance, shame, loneliness, fear, and dysregulation. If those underlying dynamics are not addressed, the behavior will simply find new forms.
We see this constantly: people running around “putting out fires” without ever asking what’s igniting them. The goal becomes stopping the acting out rather than understanding why the acting out happens.
Lasting change requires a willingness to go deeper—to explore emotional stressors, attachment wounds, identity beliefs, and patterns formed long before the addictive behavior ever showed up. When goals are built around those core issues, they become far more effective and sustainable.
Planning for Obstacles Instead of Pretending They Won’t Exist
One of the most overlooked components of real change is obstacle planning. People often avoid this because it feels pessimistic or negative. In reality, it’s one of the most empowering things you can do.
Life will interfere. Stress will spike. Fatigue will hit. Triggers will arise. This is not a failure—it’s reality. The question is not if obstacles will appear, but whether you will be prepared for them.
Effective change planning involves identifying known breakdown points ahead of time. Where have you struggled before? What patterns repeat themselves? What situations, emotions, or timeframes consistently derail you?
Once those are identified, the next step is creating specific, actionable responses. Not vague intentions, but concrete plans. When this happens, I will do this. When that thought shows up, I will use this tool. Preparation turns chaos into navigable terrain.
Identity: The Foundation of All Lasting Change
Ultimately, habits flow from identity. If you see yourself as broken, incapable, or destined to fail, your behavior will align with that story. Real change requires reshaping identity—not through denial or grandiosity, but through intentional rehearsal of a healthier self-concept.
For many addicts, identity has long been fused with shame. “I’m just an addict.” “This is who I am.” That narrative quietly undermines every effort toward growth.
Identity work asks different questions:
Who am I becoming?
What kind of man or woman do I want to be?
What does that person do when life gets hard?
As identity shifts, behavior follows. This includes how you view others, how you engage with your environment, and how you respond to internal dialogue. Identity is not something you wait to earn—it’s something you practice daily.
Environment: The Silent Driver of Behavior
Finally, change is profoundly shaped by environment. People, places, routines, digital spaces, and even internal thought patterns all influence behavior. Many people try to change while remaining in environments that actively undermine their goals.
Changing environment is often one of the most immediate and effective steps toward lasting change. That might mean adjusting relationships, altering routines, restructuring technology use, or creating physical spaces that support recovery and growth.
When environment aligns with identity, change becomes easier—not harder. The goal is not perfection, but alignment.
Conclusion: Let 2026 Be Different Because You’re Doing Something Different
Real change does not come from motivation alone. It comes from humility, structure, identity work, emotional skill-building, and ongoing support. It comes from doing the slow, unglamorous work of repair instead of chasing emotional highs.
If you are tired of repeating the same cycle—tired of broken promises, tired of shame, tired of starting over—then this year doesn’t need another resolution. It needs a new approach.
Change that lasts is not dramatic. It is deliberate. It is compassionate. And it is built one grounded decision at a time.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
