In a Relationship Filled with Betrayal—How Can I Trust He will Not Betray Me Again?!
- 10h
- 7 min read
In this article (based on PBSE Episode 304), Mark and Steve respond to a betrayed partner whose marriage began in deception and has been riddled with years of pornography use, lies, and shattered trust. They validate her trauma as real and severe—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and emphasize that healing begins with reclaiming her sense of self, setting firm boundaries, and refusing to carry roles like “policewoman” or “confessor.” True recovery for her husband requires full disclosure, professional accountability, and consistent, proactive ownership—not empty promises or recovery-language manipulation. Trust can return only after both partners commit to their individual healing journeys: she by rebuilding her empowerment, and he by proving change through sustained honesty and action.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
When the Relationship Begins with Betrayal
In this episode, we dove into one of the hardest realities many couples face—a relationship built on lies from the start. The letter that came in from a betrayed partner was raw, detailed, and deeply painful. She described being with her husband for six years, married for just one month, yet already burdened with years of deceit. Early in their relationship, she discovered that while they were dating, he was still sexually involved with his ex—sometimes even sleeping with both women in the same day. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the depth of that betrayal.
What made her situation even more heartbreaking is that the betrayal didn’t end there. Though her husband eventually stopped seeing his ex, he never stopped engaging in pornography use—despite years of promises to quit. Each time she confronted him, he would apologize, promise change, and even install filters on his devices. But the pattern would repeat: he’d find ways around the safeguards, she’d catch him again, and the cycle of deception and exhaustion would continue.
Over time, she found herself trapped in an exhausting double life—being both his partner and his monitor. Her anxiety became constant; she lived in fear that every quiet moment meant another relapse. Even her body started to shut down—losing appetite, feeling nauseated, struggling to sleep. This is what betrayal trauma does. It seeps into every layer of life—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
By the time she wrote to us, she had drawn a hard boundary: either the pornography stopped, or the relationship did. That ultimatum finally pushed him to admit that he had a serious addiction. He began journaling, checking in, reading, and even listening to PBSE. But after six years of lies, she could no longer tell if any of it was real—or just another manipulation. Her biggest fear was that he’d simply become a better liar using “recovery talk” as his new disguise.
The Toll of Repeated Betrayal
For anyone listening who has lived through betrayal trauma, this partner’s story feels painfully familiar. Years of dishonesty and gaslighting create what we call complex trauma—a layering of betrayals that accumulate until they crush a person’s sense of self. Her letter described the physical symptoms of that trauma: hypervigilance, exhaustion, inability to eat, constant fear.
We often tell partners: You are not crazy; you are reacting to something that truly is unsafe. When you’ve been repeatedly deceived, your nervous system never gets to rest. The body stays in a state of constant readiness for the next shoe to drop. That isn’t “being dramatic”—it’s biology responding to chronic danger.
And it’s not just betrayal; it’s emotional abuse. When a partner lies, manipulates, hides, and blames, the betrayed person is forced to live in a psychological minefield. Over time, this form of relational trauma eats away at self-worth and leaves deep scars of shame and confusion. That’s why we always emphasize that betrayal trauma is real—and it needs to be treated with the same seriousness as any form of abuse.
Reclaiming Yourself After Losing Everything
One of the first things we said in response to this partner’s story was simple but vital: You have to find yourself again. Six years of chaos can strip a person of their identity. Many betrayed partners reach a point where they realize they no longer know who they are outside of managing the addict’s behavior. Their lives shrink to survival mode—policing, checking, fearing, hoping, and bracing.
We often talk about the three heavy “roles” that partners end up carrying, often without realizing it:
The Policewoman – Constantly monitoring, tracking, and protecting. It’s exhausting and impossible.
The Confessor – Becoming the dumping ground for the addict’s guilt, shame, and “confessions.”
The Absolver – Being asked to reassure, forgive, or “make everything okay” when the addict hasn’t earned it.
These roles are not sustainable—and they’re not hers to carry. His choices are his to own. The moment a partner begins to release those burdens, even a little, healing begins.
It’s time for her—and any partner in this situation—to stop managing him and start reclaiming her power. That begins with establishing real boundaries, rebuilding support networks, and pursuing professional help for her own recovery. Finding herself again is not selfish—it’s survival.
The Truth Must Come Out—Completely
If there is any hope for a relationship like this to heal, it has to begin with truth. Not partial truth. Not “I’ll tell you when I’m ready” truth. But full, honest, comprehensive truth.
That’s why we recommend a formal therapeutic disclosure facilitated by a qualified professional. This process allows the addict to reveal the full scope of his behavior in a structured, supported environment—while ensuring the partner receives the truth safely and respectfully. In a case like this—where there has been years of deception and trickle-truthing—a polygraph may also be part of that process. It’s not about punishment; it’s about rebuilding a foundation that never existed.
Until the betrayed partner knows who she’s really been with, she can’t make an informed choice about her future. Without that knowledge, any attempt at rebuilding trust will rest on sand. Full disclosure is painful—but it’s the only way forward if there’s to be any future at all.
Structure, Support, and Real Accountability
For addicts who have lived in secrecy for years, the hardest part of real recovery isn’t just stopping the behavior—it’s learning to live differently. Addicts live reactively; real recovery demands proactive accountability. It means he stops waiting to be caught and starts leading his own healing.
That’s where structured support becomes critical. Whether it’s through Dare to Connect, therapy, or another credible program, addicts need frameworks that replace chaos with consistency. Structure means regularly scheduled work, clear assignments, group accountability, and ongoing learning.
For couples, it also provides something invaluable: a neutral, third-party space to engage around difficult topics. When both people are in pain and communication feels impossible, structured programs can open dialogue safely. They let couples hear hard truths together—without one person having to be the teacher or the therapist for the other.
But no matter the resource, the essentials are the same: daily recovery practice, consistent honesty, and engagement in a recovery community where truth and transparency are expected—not optional.
Empowerment: The Partner’s Path to Healing
If we could choose one word to describe what we want this partner—and others like her—to find, it would be empowerment. After years of lies and trauma, she’s been stripped of agency. Empowerment means reclaiming her sovereignty—the right to choose what happens in her life.
This begins with learning and practicing boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not threats or punishments; they are statements of truth. They say, “Here is what I will and won’t participate in.” Boundaries allow her to live in integrity regardless of what he chooses.
And for the addict, empowerment looks different. It means stepping up—not waiting for her to push, monitor, or remind. True accountability is not reactionary; it’s self-driven. A man in real recovery learns to pursue his partner, not manage her perceptions. He shows consistency not through words, but through actions repeated over time.
Both partners have their own work to do. For her, that work centers on healing, self-care, and rediscovering her worth. For him, it’s about honesty, ownership, and leading out in recovery. Only then can trust even begin to rebuild.
Moving Forward—Without Illusions
We told listeners: we wish we could promise that trust will come back quickly. It won’t. Trust is rebuilt not through apologies or words, but through hundreds of small, consistent choices over time. It’s in showing up day after day—without lies, without manipulation, without defensiveness.
For betrayed partners, the journey forward isn’t about trusting him again right now—it’s about learning to trust yourself again. To trust your gut, your instincts, and your boundaries. That’s where healing begins.
For addicts, it’s time to stop waiting to be ready. Stop waiting until you “know how.” Recovery isn’t about perfection—it’s about motion. As we often say: Don’t wait until tomorrow to do what you can start today. Take one step—then another.
Final Thoughts
We ended this episode by acknowledging something that never gets easier for us to say: we hate that you’re here. No one listens to a podcast like this because life is easy. You’re here because you’re in pain—and because, somewhere inside, you still believe healing might be possible.
If you’re that partner wondering, How can I ever trust him again?, the honest answer is that you can’t—not yet. Trust must be earned, and right now, your focus is on reclaiming you. When you find yourself again, when you learn to live grounded in your own truth and boundaries, then you’ll be able to discern whether he is truly changing—or simply changing tactics.
And to every addict listening: stop hiding behind “I’m trying.” Start doing. Step into real accountability. Become the safe, trustworthy person your partner—and you—deserve to be.
That’s where real recovery begins. And that’s where trust, someday, can be reborn.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
