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Is My Partner a Sex Addict or Just Getting Back at Me? He says He can Stop anytime.



This article is derived from Episode 266 of the PBSE Podcast and explores the complexities of sex addiction and betrayal trauma, addressing whether a partner's compulsive sexual behavior is rooted in addiction or a reaction to relationship issues. It discusses the addict's mindset, the secrecy and self-justification behind their actions, and the emotional turmoil experienced by partners. The piece emphasizes the importance of recognizing patterns over time, setting firm boundaries, and requiring tangible steps toward recovery. It warns against the "I can stop anytime" fallacy and underscores the necessity of consistent effort, accountability, and professional intervention for lasting change. Ultimately, the article highlights the need for partners to prioritize their emotional well-being while navigating the difficult path toward healing and potential reconciliation.



LISTEN TO EPISODE—




Inside this Episode:





Understanding the Confusion


Sex addiction and betrayal trauma are complex, painful experiences that can leave partners questioning everything they thought they knew. A partner recently reached out to us with a question that we believe resonates with many: Is my husband a sex addict, or was he just acting out to get back at me? He claims he can stop at any time, but he also called himself an addict. So, which is it?


Her story is like many we’ve heard before. After 20 years of marriage, she discovered that her husband had been engaging in infidelity, seeking out sex workers, massage parlors, and online connections. When confronted, he admitted to it but stated that he acted out only when he was angry with her. Now, after she found out, he’s seemingly making an effort—going to therapy, engaging in spiritual work, and being more attentive than ever before. But is this real change, or just another cycle of the same dysfunction?




The Complexity of Addiction


Addiction is often misunderstood as simply a lack of willpower or a moral failing. In reality, it is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism, often developed in response to unresolved trauma, emotional neglect, or deep-seated insecurities. The confusion many partners feel when they discover their loved one’s behavior is valid—how can someone who appears normal and functional in everyday life be hiding such destructive behaviors?


The truth is that addiction thrives in secrecy. It fosters a double life, where the addict compartmentalizes their actions, often believing that as long as no one knows, no real harm is being done. This mindset allows them to rationalize their choices, even as they cause emotional devastation to their partner. Understanding this cycle is crucial in recognizing whether true recovery is taking place or if the addict is simply managing consequences temporarily.


Addiction is not just about sexual behavior; it is about numbing, escaping, and avoiding painful emotions. It is deeply rooted in emotional dysregulation and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Partners often struggle with knowing whether they should stay or leave because they are constantly given mixed signals. The key is recognizing patterns over time—recovery is a process, not an event.


Another aspect of addiction that partners must understand is that the root cause is rarely the surface-level behavior. In other words, the betrayal through infidelity or pornography use is a symptom, not the disease. The real issue lies in how the addict has learned to regulate emotions, cope with stress, and manage personal pain. Without addressing these core issues, recovery is unlikely to succeed in the long term.


Understanding addiction requires a shift in perspective. Instead of viewing it solely as a choice, partners should recognize that compulsive sexual behavior often stems from early life experiences, attachment wounds, and neurological patterns that reinforce unhealthy coping mechanisms. Breaking free from this cycle requires more than just willpower—it demands intentional, ongoing healing work.


Here's a past PBSE podcast that deals with what justifications around "porn substitutes" not being within the realm of addiction—"It’s NOT an Addiction if I’m Only Using “Porn Substitutes”—Right???"




The Addict’s Mindset: A Logical Illogic


If you’ve never struggled with addiction, some of the behaviors an addict engages in may seem incomprehensible. But to an addict, these behaviors feel justified, even logical. One of the reasons sex addiction is so difficult to understand is because it doesn’t operate by rational, healthy thought processes—it operates in secrecy, shame, and self-deception.


For many men struggling with sexual compulsions, emotions like stress, loneliness, and anger become overwhelming. Instead of processing those feelings in a healthy way—like communicating with their partner—they turn to destructive outlets. Some justify it by blaming their partner: She doesn’t understand me. She’s not meeting my needs. She made me angry, so I deserve this. These justifications allow them to continue their behavior without taking responsibility for their actions.


The reality is that addiction is rarely about sex itself. Instead, it serves as a coping mechanism for emotional pain. Acting out can temporarily provide relief from stress, anxiety, or self-doubt, but in the long run, it only compounds these issues, creating a vicious cycle that is difficult to break without help.


So when this husband says, I was just mad at you, and that’s why I acted out, it’s not a contradiction to addiction. It’s actually a hallmark of it. Acting out in revenge, resentment, or avoidance of pain is precisely what addiction looks like. It’s not just about pleasure—it’s about numbing discomfort.


Additionally, many addicts fail to recognize their behavior as a problem until they face severe consequences. They may cycle through periods of remorse and denial, leading to further confusion for their partners. The important thing to understand is that addiction is not simply about willpower; it requires intervention, therapy, and structured support systems to heal.




The Emotional Rollercoaster: Why Does He Treat Me This Way?


One of the most painful aspects of being with a sexually addicted partner is the unpredictability. One day, they are distant, dismissive, even cruel. The next, they are remorseful, attentive, and eager to make things right. This inconsistency is deeply confusing for partners, making it hard to tell what is real and what isn’t.


This husband had been treating his wife poorly for years, but when she confronted him with the truth, his behavior suddenly shifted. He saw her strength, her dedication, and now he is responding with kindness. So what changed?


Many addicts, when faced with the possibility of losing their partner, will shift their behavior dramatically. Fear can be a powerful motivator. This doesn’t necessarily mean his change isn’t real, but it does mean that fear of consequences is playing a role. The real test isn’t how he behaves in the first few weeks or months after being caught—it’s what he does long-term. Is he truly doing the deep, painful work of recovery, or is he just trying to keep his wife from leaving?


One way to gauge true recovery is consistency. Real change isn’t sporadic or dependent on circumstances. Instead, it is marked by continuous effort, transparency, and a willingness to address the deeper emotional wounds that drive addiction.


Partners need to observe patterns over time. Does the addicted partner seek accountability? Is he actively engaging in therapy? Is he open about his struggles, or does he revert to secrecy when the immediate crisis passes? Answering these questions can provide clarity about whether true change is taking place.


For betrayed partners confused by their addict partner's mistreatment, here's a past PBSE podcast—The “Abuse Cycle” Par Two—The Impact of Abuse on Betrayal Trauma and Healing




The “I Can Stop Anytime” Fallacy


A huge red flag in this situation is the claim: I don’t have the desire for those behaviors anymore. I can stop whenever I want.


Anyone who has worked with addiction knows that this statement is rarely true. Addiction isn’t just about behavior—it’s about deep-rooted patterns of coping, emotional regulation, and self-worth. If stopping was as simple as deciding to stop, no one would struggle with addiction.


Most men in addiction cycle through periods of white-knuckling—forcing themselves to stop behaviors for a time without actually addressing the root cause. But without true healing and recovery, the cycle almost always returns. Long-term change requires a structured recovery plan, accountability, and professional help.


For partners, this means that words alone shouldn’t be enough. Instead of relying on his verbal assurances, look at the actions. Is he in therapy? Is he engaging in a recovery group? Is he building real accountability with others? True recovery is visible in consistent, measurable steps—not just promises.




Final Thoughts: What’s the Truth?


Healing is possible—but only with honesty, effort, and real, measurable change. Words mean nothing without action. And no matter what happens, every partner deserves truth, respect, and emotional safety.


Understanding addiction, setting clear boundaries, and requiring transparency are key steps in navigating this difficult journey. While hope is important, it must be grounded in reality. Trust should be earned through consistent, meaningful change—not empty promises.


Partners should take time to assess their own healing needs as well. Seeking therapy, joining support groups, and building a network of trusted individuals can provide much-needed emotional support and clarity in making decisions about the future.



 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect


Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling


Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services


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