My Porn/Sex Addicted Partner tells me I just need to "Get over it" . . . So now what?!
- Jul 7
- 9 min read
In this article (from PBSE Podcast, Episode 288), we respond to a deeply painful letter from a betrayed partner whose husband, entrenched in decades of pornography use, infidelity, and emotional neglect, continues to dismiss her trauma and refuses to change—insisting she simply needs to “get over it.” We explore the complex emotional, psychological, and behavioral factors that often drive addicts to deny accountability, sabotage intimacy, and weaponize indifference, while affirming the betrayed partner’s right to healing, boundaries, and clarity. With deep compassion, we examine why partners stay, how to discern when it’s time to leave, and what it means to reclaim your voice and self-worth—regardless of whether the addict chooses to recover.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction: A Cry From the Depths of Betrayal
In this episode, we respond to a heartbreaking and all-too-familiar message from a betrayed partner who finds herself at a breaking point. She’s exhausted, heartbroken, and deeply conflicted. After almost two decades of being married to a man she describes as emotionally unavailable, chronically dishonest, and sexually unfaithful, she has finally initiated divorce proceedings. But as she reaches out to us, it’s clear she’s still asking herself the impossible question: Is there any hope left? Her husband’s persistent message to her has been loud and clear: “You’re overreacting. You’re too needy. Just get over it.”
This isn’t just about pornography or infidelity. It’s about gaslighting. It’s about long-term trauma. It’s about the emotional erosion that happens when your pain is dismissed, when your needs are labeled as unreasonable, when the person you trusted the most refuses to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused. When someone you love insists they don’t need to change—and demands that you do—it creates a kind of emotional and psychological chaos that is devastating.
We’ve heard this story in one form or another from countless women and men. We’ve worked with betrayed partners for decades, and the story never gets easier to hear. In fact, it only deepens our resolve. Because these partners aren’t just statistics or cautionary tales—they’re real people trying to survive the aftermath of betrayal. They’re fighting for their mental and emotional lives while trying to understand how their reality became so unrecognizable.
So the question before us is this: What do you do when your addicted partner looks you in the eye and says, “This is just who I am—get over it”? What does that mean for the possibility of healing? Is reconciliation even an option in this kind of dynamic? And if not, how does a betrayed partner begin to move forward in a way that’s grounded in self-respect and authenticity?
Let’s break it down.
The Reality of Long-Term Betrayal
The woman who wrote in describes a relationship that’s been marked by dysfunction from the very beginning. Her husband’s history of sexual betrayal includes not just pornography use, but emotional affairs, a physical affair with his ex-wife, consistent objectification of other women, and a pattern of secrecy and minimization. This isn’t just a case of slipping up. It’s a life built around hiding, escaping, and refusing to be accountable.
What makes her story especially painful is that this betrayal is not confined to the past. He continues to act out. He continues to fantasize about other women. He’s still emotionally and physically unavailable, despite her clearly expressed sexual interest and emotional desire to connect. When she confronts him with his behavior, even when backed by objective proof like a failed polygraph test, he dismisses her concerns, ridicules her reactions, and implies that she’s the problem.
This kind of long-term relational trauma has devastating effects on a partner’s sense of self. It creates a constant state of hypervigilance. She’s not just hurt—she’s exhausted. She’s emotionally bankrupt from years of waiting, hoping, and giving the benefit of the doubt, only to be told that her pain is invalid. And worst of all, the person causing the pain insists there’s nothing wrong.
There’s also a deeply confusing sexual dynamic at play. She describes herself as having a high libido and wanting intimacy, yet her husband consistently rejects her while staying immersed in sexual fantasy and pornography. That level of rejection is deeply personal and damaging, especially when combined with the betrayal. It leaves her questioning not just his love, but her own worth.
When someone has been hurt repeatedly and then blamed for the hurt, it creates a profound disorientation. She’s stuck between knowing that she deserves better and wondering if maybe, just maybe, she’s overreacting like he says. That gaslighting effect is real—and it’s dangerous. Because over time, it can convince even the strongest person that their voice doesn’t matter.
Why Does He Act Like This?
To begin to answer this partner’s question—What do I do now?—we first have to understand what’s happening on his side of the equation. Again, this is not about excusing the behavior. But clarity is power, and betrayed partners deserve to understand what’s driving the choices of the person who hurt them. Why as an addict is he acting the way he's acting?!
1. Naivety and Emotional Immaturity
In some cases, addicts operate from a place of deep emotional immaturity. They may genuinely lack the developmental tools needed to understand the consequences of their behavior. This immaturity could come from a variety of sources: childhood trauma, neglect, an emotionally barren upbringing, or environments where healthy models of love and intimacy were absent. For some men, especially those who grew up surrounded by hypersexualized or misogynistic messages, things like empathy, commitment, and emotional intimacy were never part of the equation. They simply don't know how to connect—because they were never shown how.
In these cases, the addict might not even understand why his actions are so hurtful. He might dismiss his betrayal as “just porn” or “just a mistake,” not realizing the deep impact it has on the partner’s sense of safety and self-worth. But while naivety might explain some of the behavior early on, it does not justify decades of deception and abuse.
2. Denial and Avoidance
Denial is the addict’s best friend. It allows him to function without having to face the carnage he's caused. It allows him to keep living a double life, pretending that things aren’t as bad as they are. Denial comes in many forms—minimization, rationalization, justification. “It wasn’t that bad.” “You’re making too big a deal of this.” “I’m still here, aren’t I?”
What’s really happening is that the addict is trying to avoid the pain—his own, and especially his partner’s. Admitting the full extent of the damage would mean acknowledging his failures, facing the grief of what he’s lost, and risking the shame of vulnerability. So instead, he sticks his head in the sand. But just like a flamingo hiding from a predator, the danger doesn’t go away—it just hits harder.
3. Fear of Change and Losing Control
Addicts often fear that recovery means losing the very thing that gives them a sense of control. Their addiction is their emotional crutch, their stress reliever, their go-to escape. The thought of letting it go can be terrifying. Change requires discomfort, humility, and vulnerability—three things that addicts work hard to avoid.
There’s also the fear of losing the relationship. Even when an addict is detached and emotionally unavailable, he may still fear being alone. But that fear doesn’t necessarily motivate him to change. Instead, he may cling even tighter to his defenses, digging in his heels and daring his partner to leave. It’s a toxic mix of control and cowardice.
4. Dependency on the Addiction
At this stage of addiction, the behavior isn’t about pleasure—it’s about survival. The addict uses sex and fantasy to numb pain, escape stress, avoid emotions, and silence inner turmoil. It becomes a form of emotional anesthesia. And when the partner threatens to take that away—by setting boundaries or demanding change—it can feel like a threat to his very existence.
This is where the addict's protest of “I’m happy with who I am” becomes especially dangerous. It’s not happiness—it’s dependency. It’s settling into dysfunction and calling it peace.
5. Pride and the Need to Win
Sometimes, the addict’s pride won’t allow him to admit that he needs to change. He’s stuck in a mindset of control—where the mere act of responding to his partner’s needs feels like weakness. This isn’t just selfishness—it’s a deeply distorted view of masculinity and power. He’d rather lose the marriage than admit he needs help. He’d rather see his partner break than risk being vulnerable.
6. Shame and Self-Sabotage
Finally, shame plays a massive role. Many addicts carry the belief that they are broken beyond repair. That they don’t deserve love. That they’ll mess things up anyway. So rather than risk intimacy, they sabotage it. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: “If I ruin everything, at least it won’t be a surprise.”
All of these elements—naivety, denial, fear, dependency, pride, shame—they create a perfect storm. And unless the addict is willing to confront them head-on, healing is impossible.
Why Do Betrayed Partners Stay?
When faced with so much hurt, why do partners stay? Why does this woman, after all she’s been through, still wonder if there’s hope?
Because betrayal trauma doesn’t erase love. Because partners are wired for connection. Because they hope. Because they believe in redemption. Because they see the flicker of who their partner could be—even if he refuses to see it himself.
There are also practical reasons—shared children, finances, fear of starting over, cultural or religious conditioning. Many partners were taught that divorce is never an option. That staying is noble. That suffering is part of the deal. Add to that the profound self-doubt that betrayal creates—Maybe no one else will want me. Maybe I’m too broken. Maybe this is all I deserve—and it’s easy to see why so many partners stay far longer than they should.
But perhaps the biggest reason is this: Because they’re still hoping for honesty. For healing. For the truth to matter.
How Do You Know When It’s Time to Go?
We’re often asked this question, and we never give a simple answer. Because there isn’t one.
It’s not about some magic threshold of betrayal. It’s not about how many chances he’s had. It’s not even about the past. What matters most is what he’s doing now—and what that means for your ability to be healthy in the future.
When an addict shows no willingness to change—when he consistently denies reality, dismisses your pain, and refuses to take meaningful action—you have to ask yourself: Can I remain in this relationship without losing myself?
At some point, the question is no longer whether you want to stay. It’s whether you can afford to. Because staying in a toxic relationship without boundaries, without growth, and without accountability comes at a cost—and that cost is usually you.
Boundaries Are the Key
If you’re in a situation like this, the first and most powerful tool you have is boundaries. Not walls. Not ultimatums. But clear, self-honoring boundaries rooted in your deepest values.
Boundaries begin with clarity: What do I need in order to feel safe, respected, and emotionally whole? From there, you create conditions—statements of action—that reflect those needs. For example:
If you continue to lie about your behavior, I will no longer engage in conversations about our relationship.
If you refuse recovery, I will move forward with separation.
If I feel unsafe or manipulated, I will seek outside support and potentially involve legal counsel.
Boundaries are not threats. They are declarations of self-worth. And they must include consistent follow-through. Without consequences, boundaries are just suggestions.
Boundaries are how you stop the bleeding. They’re how you reclaim your voice. They’re how you begin to feel like a whole person again.
Self-Worth Must Be Rebuilt
Even the strongest partners come out of betrayal trauma feeling shattered. The erosion of self-esteem doesn’t happen all at once—it happens over years of gaslighting, neglect, rejection, and silence.
Rebuilding your self-worth means finding your voice again. It means reconnecting with who you are apart from the relationship. It means surrounding yourself with people who see your value and can reflect it back to you. It means doing things that nourish your body, your mind, and your soul.
You may have lost yourself in the storm of addiction and betrayal—but you can come back. And when you do, you’ll realize something powerful:
Your healing does not depend on his recovery.
You can begin to live fully again. To dream again. To trust yourself again. Whether he changes or not.
Final Thoughts: Becoming Your Truest Self
We’ll say it plainly: You do not have to “just get over it.”
You have the right to your pain. You have the right to your anger. You have the right to your needs, your voice, and your healing.
If your partner refuses to change, you have every right to change your response. If he refuses to evolve, you have every right to walk a different path. And if you choose to stay, let it be on your terms—with boundaries, support, and a commitment to your own growth.
No one can make this decision for you. But know this: You deserve more than survival. You deserve more than silence. You deserve to thrive.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
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