When Touch Feels Like Pressure: Breaking Free from Over-Sexualization
- 4 days ago
- 8 min read
In this article, from PBSE Episode 300, we confront the painful reality of over-sexualization in relationships, as one betrayed partner describes feeling pressured, objectified, and unsafe despite her clear boundaries. We explore the difference between healthy, consensual touch and hyper-sexualized entitlement, calling out the gaslighting and cultural scripts that normalize coercion. Real intimacy requires safety, respect, and consent—not pressure or justification. For betrayed partners, your discomfort is valid and your boundaries matter. For porn/sex addicts, as well as partners with a sexual entitlement mindset and behaviors, the path forward begins with humility, accountability, and a recommitment to recovery.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Episode 300 – A Milestone with a Hard Topic
Three hundred episodes. That’s no small milestone. We joked about wishing we had party hats or noisemakers, but the reality is, every episode marks another step in a journey that so many of you are on with us—facing betrayal, fighting addiction, and working toward real recovery and connection. For those who have been with us from the start, we owe you gratitude. You’ve leaned into these conversations not because they’re easy, but because you want something better for your life and your relationships. That takes courage.
It feels fitting that for this 300th episode, we dive into a submission that is raw, real, and deeply painful. A betrayed partner reached out with a story that forces us to confront one of the most misunderstood and minimized issues in recovery and relationships: over-sexualization in touch. While we won’t share her submission word for word due to its triggering nature, we will capture its essence and wrestle honestly with the issues it raises.
She described the heartbreak of trying to reconcile with her ex-husband after repeated betrayal. Despite her clear statements that she is not yet ready for sexual engagement, he repeatedly gawked at her, grabbed her body, and made sexual gestures and comments. When she tensed up, he dismissed her, telling her that “most women like it” and that she should feel flattered. He excused his behavior as a high sex drive and denied having any porn addiction, claiming his attraction was “healthy.”
Her question cut to the heart of the matter: How can someone tell the difference between healthy, normal sexual desire and an over-sexualized approach that crosses into entitlement? And deeper still: how do partners break free when “touch” begins to feel like pressure, objectification, and even abuse? These are the questions we take on today.
The Courage to Name the Problem
We begin by honoring the courage it took for this partner to write in. To speak openly about what she experiences on a daily basis is no small thing. Too often, betrayed partners find themselves isolated in their pain, doubting their own perceptions, and wondering if they are the problem. By writing to us, she not only sought help for herself but also gave a voice to countless others living in similar circumstances.
Let’s call it what it is: what she described is not affection, not attraction, not healthy marital intimacy. It is objectification, pressure, and sexual entitlement. It is a partner overriding another’s boundaries and dismissing her clearly stated need for safety. No amount of rationalization about “high sex drive” or comparisons to “what other women want” can make it acceptable. This behavior violates the core principle of healthy intimacy: mutual consent.
Naming the problem matters because gaslighting thrives in ambiguity. When an injured partner hears, “You’re overreacting,” or “This is what normal couples do,” it can plant dangerous seeds of self-doubt. Before long, the betrayed partner begins to wonder, “Am I broken? Maybe I’m the one who needs fixing.” That doubt is the toxic fruit of entitlement and manipulation. It steals a person’s sense of self and makes them question what they know to be true.
This is why we must speak bluntly: Nobody has the right to another person’s body. Not marriage, not history, not attraction, not culture—nothing grants that right. Consent is never assumed; it is always given freely in the moment. Anything less is not love, and it is not healthy.
Pornified Thinking and Sexual Entitlement
Her partner claimed he doesn’t have a “pornified” mindset because he wasn’t looking at pornography at the time. But this shows a misunderstanding of what “pornified thinking” really means. Porn isn’t just about videos or images; it’s about a way of seeing people—reducing them to body parts, measuring their worth by sexual desirability, and normalizing entitlement to their bodies.
When a man says, “Most women like this,” he is not speaking from genuine connection—he is echoing pornified cultural scripts that treat women as interchangeable objects. When he insists he has a “healthy sex drive” while ignoring her boundaries, he confuses lust and compulsion with love and desire. This is the essence of sexual entitlement: the belief that one is owed access, regardless of the other person’s feelings or consent.
Sexual entitlement shows up in several ways:
Believing one is owed sex or sexual touch.
Minimizing or dismissing a partner’s discomfort.
Justifying boundary-crossing as “normal” or “flattering.”
This is not about desire—it’s about control. It takes the beauty of attraction and twists it into coercion. And as we’ve said countless times: coercion is not connection. Pressure is not intimacy. Entitlement is not love.
The Gaslighting Double Bind
One of the most heartbreaking parts of this submission is the self-doubt creeping into the partner’s words. She began asking: “Maybe I’m the one who isn’t normal. Maybe this is how men really are.” That’s the hallmark of gaslighting. By consistently minimizing her boundaries and framing his behavior as “normal,” her partner turned the issue back on her. Instead of questioning his entitlement, she began to question her own worth and perception.
This creates what we call the double bind. On the one hand, she longs for affection, emotional closeness, and yes—even healthy sexual connection someday. On the other hand, the only version of “touch” she’s being offered is aggressive, compulsive, and dismissive. She is left feeling like she must choose between total withdrawal from intimacy or enduring constant pressure and objectification. Neither option honors her humanity.
Gaslighting corrodes the foundation of trust. When a partner’s reality is constantly invalidated, she begins to silence herself, surrender her boundaries, and accept treatment she knows is wrong. The tragedy is that she may eventually comply, not out of desire, but out of confusion and exhaustion. And compliance under pressure is not consent.
Healthy Touch vs. Hyper-Sexualization
So how do we tell the difference between healthy touch and hyper-sexualization? The answer is both simple and profound: healthy touch is always safe and always consensual. That’s the starting point. Without safety, there is no relationship. Without consent, there is no love.
Healthy desire respects boundaries. It checks in. It asks questions like, “Does this feel good to you?” or “Would you like this right now?” It flows from connection in multiple areas of intimacy—emotional, spiritual, intellectual, recreational—not just sexual. It is playful, mutual, and giving. And most importantly, it never assumes access; it honors the partner’s freedom to say “yes” or “no.”
Hyper-sexualization, on the other hand, is compulsive. It disregards boundaries. It shows up as frequent, intrusive, objectifying behaviors that leave the partner feeling like an object for gratification rather than a person to be cherished. It is not about connection—it is about taking. And it leaves behind a residue of pressure, suspicion, and fear.
The Path Forward for Partners
For betrayed partners in this situation, clarity begins with listening to your body. If you tense up when touched, if you feel dread or pressure, if your nervous system sounds alarms—that is valid data. You are not broken. You are not abnormal. Your discomfort is telling you something important: this is not okay.
Boundaries are essential. Define clearly, for yourself and ideally with your partner, what kinds of touch feel safe and what kinds do not. Give yourself permission to say no without guilt. Affection should never be forced. Safety zones—emotional, physical, sexual—must be respected. If they aren’t, the relationship is not safe, no matter how “nice” the other person seems in other areas.
And perhaps most importantly, don’t dismiss your own intuition. Trauma can make you doubt yourself, but your gut is often the clearest voice you have. If something feels off, trust that instinct. You are allowed to protect yourself. You are allowed to wait until you truly feel safe.
The Work Required for Addicts and Entitled Partners
For the partner in this story—and for anyone who sees themselves in him—here’s the hard truth: you must return to recovery work. Quitting recovery when reconciliation begins is the opposite of what is needed. Rebuilding trust requires more effort, not less. Entitlement and compulsivity do not resolve themselves; they require ongoing accountability, humility, and change.
It is not enough to dismiss trauma as “resolved.” Healing from childhood wounds is a lifelong journey. And trauma never excuses harming your partner. Excuses like “I just love you so much” or “This is my sex drive” are smoke screens for entitlement. Real love incorporates the other person’s needs and boundaries into your own choices. If your actions override consent, they are not loving. Period.
For men especially, hear this: backing off is not weakness—it is strength. Giving your partner full control of sexual pacing is not loss—it is love. Respect begins when you step back, honor her boundaries, and do your work. Recovery means learning to separate genuine affection from compulsive sexualization. Until then, every gesture risks being another violation of trust.
Closing Thoughts – Safety First, Always
We end where we began: safety is the non-negotiable foundation of intimacy. Without it, there is no relationship of substance. Safety means honoring consent, respecting boundaries, and choosing connection over entitlement. It means treating your partner as a whole person, not as a collection of body parts. It means waiting until both partners are ready—emotionally, spiritually, and physically—before engaging sexually.
To the partner who wrote in: you are not broken. Your instincts are not wrong. What you are experiencing is over-sexualization, not healthy desire. And to the men listening who may feel defensive or uncomfortable: sit with that discomfort. Ask yourself hard questions. If your behavior pressures or overrides your partner’s safety, it is not love. It is entitlement. And it must change.
At PBSE, we believe couples can rebuild. We believe recovery is possible. But it requires honesty, humility, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. For those ready to do that work, healing and true intimacy are possible. For now, let us be clear: breaking free from over-sexualization begins by choosing respect over entitlement and safety over pressure—every single time.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
