How Long Should My Former Addict Partner Maintain Sobriety and Recovery Before I Consider Getting Back with Him?
- May 27
- 10 min read
This article, taken from PBSE Podcast Episode 282, explores the complex and deeply personal question of how long a former addict partner should maintain sobriety and active recovery before the betrayed partner considers reconciliation. Drawing from real-life cases and clinical experience, it emphasizes that the real focus shouldn't be on a specific timeline, but rather on whether genuine, sustained change has occurred in both partners. It unpacks essential factors like healthy interdependence, compatibility, emotional accountability, and verifiable recovery work, encouraging betrayed partners to move cautiously, use trial reconnection periods, and prioritize personal healing. Ultimately, successful reconciliation hinges not on time alone, but on consistent, mutual transformation.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
A Complex Question with No One-Size-Fits-All Answer
When a relationship ends due to pornography and sexual addiction, the fallout isn’t just about hurt feelings or a broken bond—it’s about trauma, betrayal, and often, a deep emotional exhaustion that leaves partners unsure of where to go next. For many betrayed partners, there comes a time when, amid the wreckage, a question begins to rise: Should I ever consider getting back with him? And if so, how long should he maintain sobriety and recovery before I even think about it?
It’s a fair question. And it’s one that, while seemingly simple, requires unpacking not only the concept of time in recovery, but also a host of deeper and more nuanced elements like authenticity, compatibility, boundaries, emotional independence, and verifiable growth. At PBSE, we see this question come up often—not just in terms of reuniting romantically, but in other reconciliation scenarios like ending a therapeutic separation, restarting sexual intimacy, or even just reestablishing emotional connection. The question, ultimately, is not how long, but what has changed and what needs to be in place to make reconnection healthy and sustainable.
If we only focus on the timeline, we risk bypassing the very work that recovery is about. Sobriety, while essential, is just the starting point. Without emotional maturity, honest communication, and shared commitment to growth, any reunion is likely to be short-lived. Time without transformation is just a ticking clock.
That’s why we encourage anyone asking this question to widen the lens. Start with time, yes. But then ask: has he done the work? Have I done mine? Are we both becoming the kinds of people who can healthily connect, communicate, and co-create a future together?
When “Love” Isn’t Enough: The Missing Pieces Beneath the Surface
The woman who wrote into us expressed something that many betrayed partners feel but may not verbalize—deep exhaustion from carrying the burden of their partner’s recovery. She was the one who nudged him toward therapy, into 12-step programs, and monitored his addiction closely. Over time, her life became consumed with the addiction—not her own, but his—and it eroded her peace, confidence, and well-being. Yet, she also misses the man beyond the addiction. That dichotomy is so common and so powerful: I don’t want to be with him as he was, but I miss who he also was.
Many partners get caught in this gray space. It’s not that they want to go back to the chaos and betrayal; it’s that they remember the moments of joy, connection, and companionship. It’s human to crave what was good, even if it was wrapped in dysfunction. But we can’t let nostalgia write the story of our future.
This is where we have to begin asking better questions than just “how long.” We have to look at whether the relationship dynamic has shifted in meaningful ways. Were there longstanding patterns of codependency? Was one partner always taking the lead while the other passively coasted? Has there been any sign of healthy interdependence taking root? “Time” means very little if all it does is allow those old, dysfunctional dynamics to fester in silence.
Another layer to this is the grief process. Many betrayed partners are grieving not just the relationship but the idea of who their partner was. That grief can distort clarity. Before considering reconciliation, it’s important to work through that grief honestly and not allow it to become the driver of decision-making.
Ultimately, missing the relationship is natural. But we have to ask: do we miss something real or something we hoped it could be? Because getting back together based on fantasy or hope without grounded change is a setup for heartbreak.
Reunification Takes Many Forms—and All Require Transformation
Whether it’s a full reconciliation after a breakup, moving back in together after a therapeutic separation, or reintroducing sexual intimacy after a long fast, reunification is never just about going back to how things were. The question must become: Have we both grown enough independently to build something new together?
Reunification must be deliberate and intentional. We’ve seen partners rush back in based on emotional surges, only to find themselves stuck in the same dysfunctional loops within weeks. This is why any step toward reconnection should be guided by a plan, supported by a professional when possible, and grounded in concrete, observable changes.
In the podcast, we shared a story of a couple who divorced during the husband’s recovery process. He stayed committed to becoming a better man—not for the marriage, but for himself and his kids. After 19 months of consistent recovery, they remarried. It’s a powerful example of how sustained, authentic change can pave the way for healthy reconnection—but only when both partners have done their own work and aren't just waiting for the “old relationship” to return.
Another couple we worked with took a yearlong separation. During that time, each focused on healing their individual traumas and building their identities outside the relationship. When they reunited, it was not a return to what they had but a new relationship altogether. That is the model we encourage.
So whether it's a return to romantic involvement, emotional vulnerability, or even physical closeness, each form of reconciliation must be supported by new tools, new habits, and a new level of mutual accountability.
Authentic Wants and Needs: Do They Even Align?
One of the most important components of reconciliation is discovering whether the core wants and needs of each partner are even compatible. It's not uncommon for someone to ask, “How long should I wait before we reunite?” when the better question is, “Should we reunite at all?”
This doesn’t mean there’s no love. Love may still be present—but sometimes, love isn’t enough. If one partner needs vulnerability, communication, and shared emotional labor, but the other isn't equipped or willing to offer that, then reconnection may not be healthy. And that's where betrayal can deepen, not just from relapses or secrecy, but from the resurgence of emotional imbalance.
Compatibility is not just about shared hobbies or sexual chemistry. It’s about whether both partners can safely and sustainably meet each other's deeper emotional, physical, and relational needs. That takes honest self-reflection and sometimes brutally honest dialogue with each other.
What do I want from a relationship? Can he give that? What does he want? Can I meet that without compromising myself? These are not just intellectual questions—they must be lived and explored over time.
We’ve seen couples with intense emotional chemistry fail because they were not compatible in lifestyle, values, or communication styles. Before any move toward reconnection, these foundational elements must be explored with honesty and courage.
What is “Healthy Interdependency,” and Why Does It Matter?
In our clinical and coaching experience, most couples enter relationships far more codependent than they realize. They merge their identities, their emotional states, and their needs in ways that ultimately become unsustainable. Healing—whether as individuals or as a couple—requires developing healthy independence first. Only then can true interdependence emerge.
When partners can stand on their own emotionally, pursue their own healing, set and hold boundaries, and find meaning outside of the relationship, then—and only then—can they come back together in a collaborative, interdependent way. That might sound counterintuitive in a culture that teaches us to be each other’s everything. But in truth, two healthy people build a far more secure foundation than two merged ones ever could.
Healthy interdependence looks like two individuals with strong senses of self choosing to connect—not needing each other to survive, but choosing each other to thrive. It's about mutual support, not emotional fusion.
This doesn’t mean detachment or distance. It means emotional responsibility—each person owns their feelings, their healing, their growth. That creates space for true collaboration and shared joy.
If a couple cannot build toward this, then reconciliation will likely fall back into old, toxic patterns. Developing interdependence may require time apart, therapeutic support, or coaching to truly master the skills needed.
Reviewing the Past Honestly: Patterns and Pitfalls
Another key step in deciding whether reconciliation is viable is taking a cold, honest look at the past. Why did you break up? What was dysfunctional? Have those root issues truly changed? For example:
Was the relationship built on open and vulnerable communication, or were difficult conversations constantly avoided?
Did both partners take accountability, or did one constantly carry the emotional weight?
Was there a tendency toward enabling—either by excusing poor behavior or by rescuing the other from consequences?
Were boundaries respected or constantly violated?
Without facing those hard truths, partners risk falling into a "pink cloud" of euphoric reconnection, only to find themselves back in crisis a few weeks later.
It can help to write out a timeline of the relationship, noting patterns of behavior, repeated conflicts, and moments of clarity. This exercise often reveals whether true change has taken place or whether the same story is just waiting to repeat.
Also, don’t discount your intuition. If your gut is signaling caution despite hopeful words or even outward changes, pause and listen. It might be picking up on red flags your heart doesn’t want to see.
Proving Change: Recovery Isn’t Just Talk
If a former addict says he’s changed, the most loving and honest thing a partner can do is to ask: Show me. What tangible, verifiable changes has he made? Not just in sobriety, but in attitude, mindset, daily habits, and interpersonal relationships?
Has he consistently attended group meetings, worked a recovery program, and taken the initiative in his own healing? Has he practiced honesty, vulnerability, and transparency in other areas of his life? Does he accept feedback without defensiveness? Has he shown sustained change in how he manages emotions, confronts conflict, and takes responsibility?
Just as importantly, has the partner also engaged in her own healing from betrayal trauma? Recovery is not a one-way street. Without healing on both sides, reconciliation will be a shaky proposition at best.
One great way to measure this is to initiate a trial reconnection phase. Agree on specific actions, check-ins, and behaviors you want to see over a three to six-month period. This structure creates space to observe patterns without diving back into full emotional entanglement.
When real change has occurred, it’s visible. It’s not defensive, frantic, or performative. It’s grounded, calm, and consistent over time. If those qualities aren’t there, keep moving cautiously.
Don’t Rush the Process: Use “Dating” as a Test Run
Reconciliation doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing leap. In fact, it shouldn't be. Partners should use trial periods—“dating” again in small steps—as a chance to observe whether the changes are real and sustainable.
These steps can include:
Reintroducing consistent check-ins around recovery and emotional state.
Practicing new communication tools in low-stakes conversations.
Slowly increasing time spent together, while observing emotional reactions.
Evaluating whether boundaries are respected and maintained.
This phase is a safe space to test new dynamics. If those old patterns begin to re-emerge, that’s a clear sign that more growth is needed—individually or collectively.
Try to keep the emotional stakes low during this phase. That means avoiding immediate sexual reconnection, reintroducing shared finances, or making big relational promises. Let this stage be about observation and interaction, not escalation.
Create a system for feedback. Set weekly times to discuss how each of you is feeling, what’s working, and what’s not. Keep the focus on learning, not fixing.
Confrontation and Collaboration: Can You Do Both Well?
Conflict is inevitable. The question isn’t whether you and your former partner will disagree—it’s how you’ll handle it when you do. Reconciliation hinges on the ability to engage in healthy confrontation and mutual collaboration. If you haven’t yet seen these skills demonstrated in your former partner (and yourself), it's far too soon to jump back in.
Can you both manage emotional triggers without spiraling into defensiveness or shutdown? Can you take ownership of your part in a disagreement without blaming? Can you co-create solutions instead of one person dictating them? If not, more work is needed before reuniting.
Healthy confrontation isn’t about who’s right—it’s about getting back to connection. That requires tools like active listening, emotional regulation, and shared empathy. These skills can be learned, but they must be practiced consistently.
Similarly, collaboration means being able to plan, dream, and problem-solve together. Can you make decisions as a team? Can you co-parent or share responsibilities without falling into old roles?
Until you can do both—fight fair and build together—reconciliation should remain an idea, not an action.
So, How Long is Long Enough?
After all this, you might still want a number. We get it. In most cases, we’d say a bare minimum of six months of consistent sobriety and active recovery work is needed before reconciliation should even be seriously considered. For many couples, it’s more like a year—or longer—depending on how much healing has occurred and how well each partner has built their own emotional muscles.
But remember: It's not about the number of months—it’s about the quality of change. If your former partner has truly transformed, it will show. If you’ve done your own healing work, you’ll be able to see it clearly—and know when you're ready to move forward.
The more structured and intentional you can be during this time, the better. Utilize coaching, therapy, support groups—and honest conversations. Trust isn’t rebuilt in declarations; it’s rebuilt in daily choices.
Healing is possible. Reconnection is possible. But only if it’s rooted in truth, accountability, and genuine transformation. That takes time. And that’s okay.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
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