I'm Staying Away From Porn, But I Want to FEEL Repulsed by it. How?
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
This article (from PBSE Podcast Episode 286) explores the journey of a man in early recovery from pornography addiction who longs not just for sobriety, but for a deep, internal repulsion to porn itself. Through examining themes like integrity, sexual identity, cultural conditioning, and emotional congruence, the article invites readers to rethink recovery—not as the suppression of desire, but as the redirection of it. It emphasizes that true healing lies in seeing pornography for what it is, embracing one’s sexuality in healthy, connected ways, and pausing to reflect on deeper emotional needs rather than reacting to surface-level urges. Ultimately, it calls men to reclaim their desires for intimacy and connection, and to become whole, grounded individuals who live in alignment with their values.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
You’re Still a Sexual Being—and That’s Good
One of the most damaging messages we received in religious or moralistic frameworks growing up was that all sexual feelings are “bad.” For many of us, the takeaway was that we should be ashamed of our desire. But that’s not true. Sexuality is a beautiful, natural, and vital part of being human. It’s what draws us to our partners and helps us bond emotionally and physically. It’s essential for connection.
So when this guy says that part of him would still be drawn to porn, even now, we get it. Even after years in recovery, if someone showed us certain types of pornography today, we know that some small part of our brains might still react. And that’s not a moral failure. That’s physiology. That’s legacy wiring from years of using porn as a coping mechanism. What matters isn’t that you never feel a pull. What matters is how you interpret that pull—and what you choose to do next.
The goal isn’t to eliminate sexual arousal. The goal is to reclaim it. To be sexually alive and connected in a way that aligns with your values and supports real intimacy. In fact, long-term recovery doesn’t suppress sexuality—it liberates it. It helps you experience desire in a whole, connected, and non-destructive way.
We want men to understand that sexuality is not only okay—it is necessary for building a vibrant, passionate life. What must change is not the presence of arousal but the context in which it exists. When arousal is tied to shame, secrecy, or selfish gratification, it becomes corrosive. When it’s connected to intimacy, respect, and mutual vulnerability, it becomes transformational.
The challenge lies in discerning between those two. That takes awareness, accountability, and patience. Recovery is not about flipping a switch. It's about re-learning how to be human—how to feel, to want, and to act in ways that nourish rather than destroy.
Attraction vs. Lust: Defining & Discerning the Difference
One of the most common questions we get in our Dare to Connect program is this: “Where is the line between healthy attraction and toxic lust?” The answer lies in what we call intentionality. Attraction is instinctive. We notice people. We’re drawn to traits. That’s human. But lust is when we take that moment of noticing and run with it—turning it into fantasy, objectification, and escapism.
Attraction says, “That person is beautiful.” Lust says, “That person exists for my gratification.” That’s the line.
It's also critical to understand that attraction is shaped over an entire lifetime. It's cultural, environmental, and even genetic. You didn’t choose what you find appealing—but you do get to choose what you do with it. We often teach guys in recovery that while they may not be responsible for the first thought or feeling, they are 100% responsible for the second.
Understanding this distinction brings freedom. Instead of trying to police every moment of attraction, recovery invites us to pay attention to how we respond. It trains us to slow down, to notice, and to decide. That moment of pause is where we take back our power. It's where the cycle breaks and maturity begins.
Developing a healthy framework for attraction also strengthens intimacy in committed relationships. It allows us to stay connected to our partners without constantly living in fear of every glance or instinct. That’s not only freeing for the individual—it’s healing for the relationship.
When attraction is no longer a threat but a signal for reflection, we begin to trust ourselves again. And with that trust comes a deeper confidence in our ability to live in integrity—not by eliminating desire, but by elevating it.
Healing Doesn’t Mean Shutting Down
Early in recovery, it’s common to want to shut everything down. Some of us even entertained extreme ideas—like castration—just to kill off the drive that seemed so uncontrollable. But recovery isn’t about repression. It’s about redirection. Your sexual energy isn’t the enemy. Porn is. Objectification is. Disconnection is. But your drive for intimacy, closeness, and even physical pleasure? Those are good things.
Instead of trying to amputate your sexuality, you’re invited to mature it. To own it. To see it as a gift to be stewarded. Testosterone, for example, isn’t just about libido. It also fuels drive, focus, creativity, and bonding. Why would we want to turn that off?
The goal is to become a man who doesn’t need porn to feel pleasure or power or worth. A man who can feel desire and channel it into love, connection, and integrity.
When men try to suppress their sexuality completely, it often leads to unexpected side effects: resentment, emotional numbing, or even explosive relapses. That’s because suppression is unsustainable. It’s a ticking time bomb. But when we take the time to understand our desires, we give them space to breathe and direction to grow.
Learning to embrace sexuality in recovery means redefining pleasure—not as something to escape into, but something to share with another human being. When we stop making pleasure the enemy, it becomes part of the healing process. It becomes sacred.
The Power of the Pause
So how do we get there? It starts with learning to pause. When you feel the urge to look at porn or the impulse to objectify someone, stop and ask yourself: “What’s really going on here?” Nine times out of ten, there’s a need underneath the desire—stress, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, lack of connection. Porn becomes a stand-in for something deeper.
We teach our clients to pause and ask questions like:
What am I really feeling right now?
What’s under this urge?
What am I trying to avoid or escape?
Where have I been neglecting my needs?
This kind of self-inquiry helps transform reactive behavior into intentional living. It creates space between feeling and action, and that space is where transformation happens.
The pause is not about perfection. It’s about curiosity. It’s about becoming an observer of your own inner world rather than a slave to it. And over time, this practice creates profound change. It helps men shift from shame to empowerment. From secrecy to honesty. From compulsion to choice.
As you practice the pause, you’ll start to notice patterns. You’ll see where your needs go unmet and where your emotions feel unregulated. That awareness is golden. It gives you the data you need to live differently—and that’s the beginning of freedom.
Becoming the Man You Want to Be
The man who wrote to us is on the right path. He wants more than sobriety—he wants congruence. And that’s the heart of real recovery. We want to invite everyone listening and reading to consider this: You don’t have to choose between being a sexual being and being a man of integrity. You can be both. In fact, you must be both if you want your recovery to last.
True freedom comes when you’re no longer running from your sexuality, but instead, you’re living it out in a way that brings connection, joy, and wholeness. You don’t have to shut yourself down to feel safe. You just need to stop giving your power away to toxic systems and false intimacy.
Becoming this kind of man means doing the hard work of self-discovery. It means rewriting your story—sometimes sentence by sentence, sometimes painfully slowly. But each moment you choose integrity over impulse, you reinforce your identity as someone who is free.
It’s also about finding community. No man becomes this version of himself alone. He needs guides, mentors, and brothers walking alongside him. We encourage every listener to seek that support. You weren’t meant to fight this battle in isolation.
And finally, becoming the man you want to be means daring to dream. Not just about a life without porn—but about a life filled with meaning, intimacy, and purpose. That’s not only possible. It’s the point.
Reclaiming Desire for Good
At the end of the day, the question isn’t whether you’ll feel desire. You will. The question is whether you will live as a slave to it or a steward of it. Will you let your desires be hijacked by a billion-dollar industry that profits from disconnection? Or will you use your desires to build something beautiful, intimate, and real?
Feeling repulsed by porn isn’t about suppressing your sexuality—it’s about maturing it. It’s about seeing the truth behind the mask and choosing to live with eyes wide open. That’s the journey. That’s recovery.
And you don’t have to walk it alone.
Reclaiming desire means making peace with your body, your emotions, and your longings. It means telling yourself a new story—not one of shame or fear, but one of strength and purpose. When you reclaim desire, you no longer fear it. You respect it. You guide it. You protect it.
The men who thrive in recovery are not the ones who white-knuckle through temptation. They’re the ones who integrate their desires into their vision for life. They make room for pleasure without abandoning responsibility. They choose to love with their whole selves.
So don’t be afraid of desire. Redeem it. Let it fuel your growth. Let it point you toward connection. Let it draw you back into relationship—with yourself, your partner, and the life you were meant to live.
And if you don’t know how to start, know this: you already have. The fact that you’re here, asking hard questions, seeking real change—that’s everything. Keep going.
We’re with you.
If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.
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