My Partner uses Porn to Punish Me for Not Losing Weight. How do I Recover from That?!

This article comes from PBSE Podcast Episode 295. It addresses the painful story of a partner whose husband used pornography as a weapon to punish her for not losing weight, eroding her self-esteem over decades. We explore how such behavior reflects deep immaturity, narcissism, and a broken understanding of love, while clarifying that real love requires sacrifice, compassion, and accountability. The husband must grow up, take ownership, heal his arousal template, and consistently demonstrate amends. Meanwhile, the partner must pursue her own healing through boundaries, self-worth independent of him, and strong support systems. Ultimately, the message is clear: she did not cause this, she does not deserve it, she cannot fix him, and her worth is intrinsic and unshakable.

LISTEN TO EPISODE—

Inside this Episode:

The Cry of a Wounded Partner

The Immaturity at the Core

What Love Really Is—and Isn’t

His Side of the Street: Accountability and Growth

Her Side of the Street: Healing and Boundaries

The Long Road of Amends

The Final Word: She Didn’t Cause This

The Cry of a Wounded Partner

When we read the letter from this courageous partner, our hearts broke. Here is a woman who has invested over twenty years into her marriage—fifteen of those in the covenant of marriage—only to be told repeatedly that she wasn’t “enough.” Her husband’s weapon of choice wasn’t just pornography but the deliberate act of withholding intimacy, using her fluctuating weight as justification. What she experienced was not simply rejection but a decades-long assault on her self-esteem and sense of worth.

Weight gain, weight loss—these are normal parts of human life. Pregnancy, stress, health conditions, and the demands of work can all change the body over time. Yet, instead of compassion, empathy, or gratitude for her sacrifices, she was punished. Intimacy was denied. Pornography was chosen over partnership.

What cut even deeper was her husband’s later admission—he confessed that he used porn as a form of punishment for her not meeting his “ideal.” This wasn’t accidental. This was calculated. And in her words, it became a “decades-long self-esteem massacre.”

She is left asking the haunting question: how do I recover from this? How do I find my value again? How do I move forward when the one who vowed to cherish and love me weaponized my body against me?

Her cry represents countless partners who have been diminished, objectified, and rejected by a spouse trapped in addiction and immaturity. And it demands a raw, honest conversation—not just about her path to healing but about his urgent need to grow up, take accountability, and understand what love really means.

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The Immaturity at the Core

Let’s be clear: pornography addiction is steeped in immaturity. When a man declares, “I won’t give up porn,” or “it’s your fault because of your body,” he is not speaking as a mature adult but as a 13-year-old stuck in the age he first picked up pornography. And that’s what we hear throughout this partner’s submission—immaturity layered upon immaturity.

“I wouldn’t have to look at porn if you lost weight.” That statement is the verbal equivalent of a pout, a temper tantrum, an adolescent refusing to take responsibility. It reeks of narcissism, entitlement, and childish blame-shifting.

This husband, instead of honoring his wife’s sacrifices—working outside the home, bearing children, enduring health struggles—chose to minimize her worth to “pieces and parts.” Rather than gratitude for her investment, he focused on measurements, pounds, and appearance. The result? A complete lack of appreciation and a devastating distortion of intimacy.

This is not love. This is not partnership. This is not fidelity. To sexually punish a spouse by withdrawing intimacy and running to porn is a betrayal on multiple levels—physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. It reveals a man who doesn’t yet grasp what real love is.

And so the first call to this husband—and to men listening who may resonate—is this: grow up. Mature love sacrifices, considers, honors, and cherishes. Anything less is adolescent behavior masquerading in an adult body.

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What Love Really Is—and Isn’t

The partner wrote, “My husband and I love each other very much.” That statement deserves careful reflection. Because what followed in her letter was a description of years of cruelty, rejection, and conditional treatment. So the question must be asked: what kind of love is this?

Love is not unkindness. Love is not withdrawal. Love is not manipulation or punishment. Love does not say, “I’ll accept you if you lose weight” while secretly betraying you with a glowing screen full of strangers. That is not love—that is abuse disguised as intimacy.

Real love is sacrificial. It honors the covenant of marriage. It holds gratitude for the ordinary struggles of life. It embraces the reality of weight changes, aging, stress, and imperfection, seeing in them opportunities for deeper connection rather than excuses for betrayal.

Too often, our culture has sold us a counterfeit love—Hollywood gloss, airbrushed pornography, and shallow attraction. Men and women alike have been poisoned into thinking love is about maintaining an impossible physical ideal. But that is not real. That is not sustainable. And when one partner measures the other against that false standard, destruction is inevitable.

For recovery to happen, this husband must redefine love—not as a selfish taking, not as a measuring stick of body size, but as an ongoing choice to cherish his wife as a whole, complete human being. Until he learns that, the relationship cannot thrive.

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His Side of the Street: Accountability and Growth

When we look at his side of the equation, the first requirement is accountability. This husband must stop justifying, minimizing, or blaming. He must accept—fully and consistently—that his choices inflicted trauma. He must recognize that withholding intimacy as punishment was emotional abuse. And he must own the fact that his pornography use was betrayal, plain and simple.

But accountability isn’t enough. He must go deeper and ask, “Why did I do this?” What wounds, insecurities, or broken templates led me to devalue my wife and elevate pornography? What immaturity kept me stuck in a cycle of entitlement? Without exploring the roots of his actions, he is doomed to repeat them.

This process cannot happen in isolation. Addicts need input—sponsors, therapists, groups—to break through their emotional blind spots. Professional help is often essential. Without it, excuses and rationalizations fester. With it, growth becomes possible.

He also must actively rewire his arousal template. Porn has trained his brain to objectify, to value “pieces and parts” over personhood. Healing means retraining his attraction to see his wife as a whole, cherished woman, not a body to measure or compare. This is hard work—but it is possible, and it is required.

Finally, he must proactively pursue his wife—not with shallow reassurances of “I love you” but with demonstrable, consistent actions. Learning her love language. Checking in with empathy. Sharing transparently what he is doing to heal. Love must become tangible, not theoretical. Without this, trust cannot be rebuilt.

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Her Side of the Street: Healing and Boundaries

As unfair as it feels, recovery for this partner requires her own healing journey. She didn’t cause his choices, but she must face the impact of them. Just like a victim of a car crash didn’t deserve the accident yet must undergo the surgeries, therapy, and rehabilitation, she must take ownership of her recovery.

That begins with building a support system. Friends, therapists, support groups—other women who understand betrayal trauma—are essential. Healing cannot happen in isolation, nor can it rest solely on whether her husband “gets it” or not.

She must also cultivate self-worth independent of him. Her value does not rise or fall with his attraction, his words, or his treatment. She is inherently valuable, lovable, and worthy, regardless of what he has said or done. Reclaiming that truth is central to her recovery.

Boundaries are another critical piece. She has the right—and responsibility—to state clearly what she needs to feel safe, loved, and respected. If he violates those boundaries, she must consider whether this relationship can continue. Boundaries are not punishment; they are protection.

Finally, she must find her authentic voice. That means speaking openly about the impact of his actions, refusing to stay silent in the face of continued betrayal, and insisting on amends where they are due. Her voice matters—not only for her healing but for the health of the relationship itself.

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The Long Road of Amends

For the husband, making amends is not a one-time apology. It is an ongoing process of repair. It means listening, empathizing, and acting to restore trust over time. It means understanding that there is no expiration date on her pain. Amends continue as long as the wound exists—and often that is a lifelong commitment.

For the wife, amends mean discerning what she truly needs. What actions, what changes, what accountability would help restore her sense of safety and worth? She must name those needs and hold to them, even if he resists.

Forgiveness, if it ever comes, is separate from amends. She may or may not choose to forgive. But whether she does or not, he is still responsible for doing the work of repair. Forgiveness is a gift; amends are a duty.

This balance—his consistent repair and her courageous healing—is the only way forward. Without it, the relationship cannot thrive. With it, there is hope, but it will take time, patience, and relentless commitment.

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The Final Word: She Didn’t Cause This

To the brave partner who wrote in, and to others who resonate with her pain, we want to end with clarity:

• You did not cause this.

  
  

• You did not deserve this.

  
  

• You cannot fix him.

  
  

• And your worth is not defined by his choices.

  
  

Your healing is yours to pursue, and it can be found. His growth is his responsibility, and he must choose it. Together, if both paths are walked with honesty, accountability, and courage, recovery is possible. But even if he does not grow, you can still reclaim your self-worth, your voice, and your healing.

You are inherently lovable. You are inherently valuable. And no weight on a scale can change that truth.

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If you found this article helpful and are looking for more support, come check out our Dare to Connect program. We offer resources not just for couples, but for individuals on every part of the healing journey. Visit us at daretoconnectnow.com — we'd love to have you join us.